Parents strive to keep an open dialogue with their kids, hoping they will come to them with anything and everything. Most of the time, that just doesn’t happen – and not without reason. Check out some of the things AskReddit users said they never want their parents to find out. If I were these people’s parents…I wouldn’t want to know.
1. Rubber Ducky, You’re the One
The terrible things I did to the rubber duck they bought for me as a baby and how its now a part of my sex life.
2. Late Night Horse Party
That cop wasn’t taking me home because of the curfew, what really happened is I was shitfaced feeding some horses on my walk home. I knew the cop pretty well and in his words, “I drove by and saw a drunk kid abusing some horses. You were just laughing at them and feeding them, so I figured no harm no foul.”
I fucked one of my mum’s best friends.
4. Student/Teacher Privilege?
That I had to take the morning after pill when I was 15. Instead of telling my mum, I told my teacher, who got it with me, sat with me while I took it (and cried), bought me a pregnancy test and was 100% prepared to take me to get an abortion if need be. She did this without telling my parents.
5. No Satisfaction
That I’m bisexual, not that I’m embarrassed or ashamed, but my mom called it years ago and she must never have the satisfaction of being right.
6. The Best Is Yet to Come
I use to keep a suicide note in my wallet in case 1 day I just couldn’t take it anymore. Now I keep it there to remind me when I have a bad day that “I already had my worse days; this is only better.”
7. Burn, Baby Burn
I was 15. A friend and I were with his parents and a large group of people camping at a lake during the summer and we decided to sneak off and smoke a cigarette. This was in California during fire season so putting the cigarette out was of utmost importance. I think you know where I’m going with this, but bear with me. Turned out we didn’t put the cigarette out, and the entire camp (20-30 people) including us ended up running buckets to and from the lake to put out a decent sized fire. All the while a CalFire (Wildfire Agency) plane is flying above scoping it out. My dad was the fire Captain in the plane. I’m 24 now and I’m still slightly afraid of what he’d do/his reaction if he found out.
In case you’re wondering we did put out the fire.
8. That escalated quickly
Coke use. Oh and that one time I told my mom I was getting up super early to go buy concert tickets. I was actually bringing my ex to get an abortion.
When my parents were out on vacation: I invited a girlfriend that stayed nude with me 80% of the time.
10. Extra Cash
Sold drugs, but never used any…just wanted money and a rush; not a rush from the drugs.
11. Oh, woof
That the reason my closet rod is crooked is because I tried seeing if it was strong enough to hang myself on. It wasn’t.
12. If these walls could talk
That I had a lot of sex with my boyfriend in my high school. Like in the school building.
13. Personal Preference
I’ve had a tubal ligation. The chance that I’ll “change my mind” and give them grandkids is nonexistent. I don’t want to tell them because of the permanence of it, but mostly because my Mom will cry and guilt me each time I see her for years.
14. Sweet Dreams
I first tried an*l in my mom’s bed.
15. Quick Fix
I got so shit faced on a work day in the Army, I took a stripper home. Realized I was blacking out 45 minutes before PT. She gave me some meth and it saved my ass from certain doom.
16. Viewing Party
The obvious common answer: All the unique kinds of porn I’ve watched.
How uncomfortable I am around them.
18. I love this story
Back in the late 90’s there was a local election, I don’t remember who the candidates were. I grew up on a cul-de-sac, very low traffic area. Despite this, my neighbor was very serious about his political candidate and sign. One morning he awoke to a missing sign. He drove back to the campaign headquarters, and put another one up. A couple days later, it was gone again. And again. Eventually he put up a video camera to catch the sign thief in action. Sure enough it was taken, but it was too dark and you couldn’t make anything out. So he installed a light to illuminate the sign all night. Sure enough, it was still taken. Video showed someone in a trench-coat and Bob Dole mask stealing the sign. This just infuriated him more. All of the neighborhood kids, myself included, helped set booby traps. He sent the video in to the local news and they came out and did a segment on it. He plastered the neighborhood with fliers with the pictures of the masked man.
But it kept getting stolen. He glued the sign to a piece of plywood, then nailed that to a 4×4 post which he set into the ground. Next morning, the post has been cut down and the sign is gone (and video shows the same masked figure cutting it down with a big saw). He bought and installed a motion detector connected to an alarm in his bedroom. Video shows the figure going around the perimeter and disconnecting it from behind before stealing the sign.
May he never discover that the sign thief was his own high school aged son.
19. Words Hurt
That I still remember when she said she wanted to kill me a few years back, and I cried about it. She will never find out that it broke my heart.
20. Minor Details
I just found out last night that I have been buying premium xbox live 12 month subscriptions on auto renew on my mothers credit card for 5 years. I haven’t owned an xbox for 4 years.
21. Like a Chimney
The copious amounts of pot I smoke. Or the fact that I smoke.
I’m sexually attracted to fictional monster girls.
23. Failed Attention Span
For the last 2 semesters I have told my family I have been attending classes at a local college. I failed my first 3 semesters and decided it was better to act like I was going than to spend more money. It’s like my brain can’t function anymore. I hear the words and try to do the work but I can’t.
That I don’t particularly like them. Or the rest of my family for that matter. (My dad is dead, I have three younger brothers, mom is remarried to a cool enough guy, and I have three older step sisters.)
Every few years I’ll go back and visit, not because miss any of them but because my mother, my brothers, and my girlfriend will pester me about visiting. I’ll call every few months because the girlfriend will pester me about calling my mom. My girlfriend is very close to her family. Plus, I suppose you’re supposed to stay connected with your mom and family.
I don’t dislike like them but I’m no more fond of them than any other acquaintances. I don’t really enjoy my time with them.
When I visit New Hampshire I try to fill my time doing all the tourist-y things I never did when I lived there so that I’m too busy to spend it with family. Or catching up with the one friend I have there that I still give a damn about.
Who wants their mother to find out her first born is relatively indifferent to her.
25. Forged A Student
All of high school I forged my report cards using a very bad Microsoft Word template that was pretty much just a few tables. These didn’t even have letterheads from my school or anything. Went from a 2.1 to a 3.4 GPA. Now that I think about it my parents were really dumb for not seeing through those shoddy report cards.
26. Hey man, don’t do it
I think about killing myself …. All the time.
27. Freedom Fighter
Moved to South Florida a month ago. They think I had a job post-college-graduation. I moved to get away and experience something new. No job.
28. Keeping it in the family
I sold weed to my older brother like 20 minutes ago.
29. Secrets Don’t make friends
I had sex with my childhood best friend’s mother. They called me out and I denied it.
30. “There will be nothing left of me”
That I’m scared and frustrated and feel a little cheated by the fact that I will have to take care of my mom as her Parkinson’s disease gets worse. She’s already pretty debilitated, mainly cognitively . I handle her finances, her paperwork, her medical stuff. Her disability doesn’t cover much, so I pay for everything she can’t afford. I love her. I owe her this, and I will do it. But knowing that it will be this long, slow decline. That it could go on for another 20 years. That I will eventually have to bathe and feed her like a baby…that makes me feel panicked and trapped. My youngest child is 15 months old. I worry that, by the time I’m done taking care of everyone that needs me, there will be nothing left of me.
31. Who knows
Exactly how much LSD I did in high school.
That I’ve been supplementing my 56yo mothers income by paying her bills… I tell her she is getting bill credits due to loyalty… She doesn’t question it.
33. That’s some real commitment…
For the last ten years I’ve pretended to be a germophobe. I’d act completely disgusted at almost everything. If someone touched my food I’d get new food. If they brought me home a drink the straw had to be left in the wrapper so I “knew it hadn’t been touched.” I’d start gagging at every little thing they did to “tease” me as they realized more and more how much I hated it.
I did this for ten years just so I’d never have to wash the dishes. I know the second my mother finds out, every time I go over there I’ll have to do the dishes for the rest of our lives.
34. Keeping Me Company
My parents don’t know I smoke weed just about everyday, so I wouldn’t want them finding that out. The thing that would be worse that that is if they found out I got my younger brother into smoking weed. He was arrested and got into a whole lot of trouble all because I didn’t want to smoke alone one day.
35. Personal Preference
That I masturbate to animated 2D girls exclusively.
36. Source of Tension
That I’m in therapy because of them. They think it’s for my PTSD. They just don’t realize that they are one of the sources.
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