How Much Should A Sibling Sacrifice To Another Before Saying "Enough?"

As someone who grew up with a sibling who had multiple special needs – needs that have only grown as she’s become an adult – I can attest to the fact that it definitely complicates not only your life, but your entire relationship with your family.

This OP has spent a large part of her life caring for a older sister with mental health issues that can be severe at time. Her father’s illness and the large age gap between them and other siblings meat that the bulk of the responsibility fell to her.

My (25f) sister (27f) has severe mental health issues that have made it extraordinarily difficult for her to function. I’ve taken care of her since we were kids. Our dad had a stroke when I was 8, and my mom had to look after him until he died 11 years later. Our two brothers (40 and 42) are much older than us and busy with their jobs and their girlfriends (now wives).

My family have even given me a nickname, Carer Sarah (Sarah is my name). I don’t particularly like it, but whatever. My mom is now my sister’s primary carer, but because I know her so well I’m often called to step in.

Her relationship with her sister is complicated, and has basically led to her loving but not really liking the sister in order to protect her own mental health.

The terrible thing is, I don’t really like my sister. I think I did once, but over the years I have spent so much emotional energy on her that I’ve just burnt out. To give a flavour of what life has been like with her, she called me at 3am the night before I was due to have a hugely important interview and told me she was standing on a bridge about to jump off. I drove 4 hours to get to her and missed the interview.

She seduced my boyfriend at my 16th birthday party and shouted for everyone to hear that the only reason I was born was because my mom had an abortion that went wrong. She told another boyfriend I’d cheated on him (I hadn’t). She racked up over $10k of debt on my credit card in 3 days.

I know that none of this is her fault, but all I feel towards her is apathy. It means her actions no longer hurt me. She can be so, so sweet to me sometimes, but it never lasts, and I’ve learned not to like or dislike her, just to endure her. I’ve never, ever told anyone that, and our whole family are under the impression that I love her dearly because of how much I’ve done for her over the years.

Now OP is getting married, and for reasons like her not actually liking her sister to wanting to be surrounded by love and support on her wedding day, plans to not invite her sister to be a bridesmaid.

Two years ago I met the love of my life and we’re getting married next year. The truth is, I don’t even really want my sister there at all. I can’t think of a single event centred on me that hasn’t been in some way disrupted by her.

I can’t not invite her, so instead I want her to be just a regular guest. This also means it will be easier for my mom to keep an eye on her, because if she’s my bridesmaid I know I’ll end up doing it. And I want my bridesmaids to be people I actually love, who love me too, and will make my day easier. My cousins on both sides all had their sisters as bridesmaids, so I’m going against family tradition here.

Her family thinks she’s making a mistake and is honestly upset about her choice. OP is starting to feel as if her sister’s feelings might be hurt and is considering changing her mind, but first she wants to hear what Reddit has to say.

My mom and brothers are shocked, and say it’s extremely damaging for my sister to be rejected like this. One of my brothers says I’m being ableist. My mom says she always thought that one day when she’s too old to take care of my sister and I’ve worked for a few years that I would look after her full time (this was news to me), but now she’s not so sure.

All this has made me feel bad for my sister, and I’m close to giving in. But if I do, it won’t be because I want to. So, looking for honest opinions here. AITA for not having my sister as my bridesmaid?

They’re weighing in below, and I hope they’re doing right by this lady!

The top comment really says all there is to say – this woman deserves her own happiness and a bunch more support from her family. 3