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Kelly Dirkes was shopping in Target with her (adopted) daughter when some busybody stranger told her that she would “spoil that baby,” by carrying her around, and that the baby would never learn to be independent.” Really, an annoying stranger telling someone how to live their life, in a huge chain superstore? How totally not at all shocking.
Dirkes handled it graciously, but on April 25, this mom who has adopted kids with Down syndrome took to Facebook to write an open letter to the stranger, expressing her true feelings about the unsolicited advice.
Photo Credit: Facebook, Kelly Dirkes
The full text of the letter reads:
Dear Woman in Target-
I’ve heard it before, you know. That I “spoil that baby”. You were convinced that she’d never learn to be “independent”. I smiled at you, kissed her head, and continued my shopping.
If you only knew what I know.
If you only knew how she spent the first ten months of her life utterly alone inside a sterile metal crib, with nothing to comfort her other than sucking her fingers.
If you only knew what her face looked like the moment her orphanage caregiver handed her to me to cradle for the very first time–fleeting moments of serenity commingled with sheer terror. No one had ever held her that way before, and she had no idea what she was supposed to do.
If you only knew that she would lay in her crib after waking and never cry–because up until now, no one would respond.
If you only knew that anxiety was a standard part of her day, along with banging her head on her crib rails and rocking herself for sensory input and comfort.
If you only knew that that baby in the carrier is heartbreakingly “independent” –and how we will spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, and years trying to override the part of her brain that screams “trauma” and “not safe”.
If you only knew what I know.
If you only knew that that baby now whimpers when she’s put down instead of when she is picked up.
If you only knew that that baby “sings” at the top of her lungs in the mornings and after her nap, because she knows that her chatter will bring someone to lift her out of her crib and change her diaper.
If you only knew that that baby rocks to sleep in her Mama’s or her Papa’s arms instead of rocking herself.
If you only knew that that baby made everyone cry the day she reached out for comfort, totally unprompted.
If you only knew what I know.
“Spoiling that baby” is the most important job I will ever have, and it is a privilege. I will carry her for a little while longer–or as long as she’ll let me–because she is learning that she is safe. That she belongs. That she is loved.
If you only knew…
Dirkes’ post has been shared over 20,000 times, so obviously it’s resonated with a lot of other moms. Maybe it’ll resonate with those people who feel justified sanctimoniously bestowing “wisdom” upon the parent of a child they know nothing about.
This article was first published by our partners at Someecards
