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Most of us know that commenting negatively on other people’s physical appearance is a folly to be avoided at all costs. Generally, it’s none of our business and we should be focusing on all the other, more important aspects of a human being, rather than their appearance.
Things can get sticky when the other person is someone we love, and whose health and longevity is important to us. And while carrying a few extra pounds isn’t going to hurt anyone, a severely unhealthy died will actually kill us before our time.
How do I tell my wife she needs to lose weight?
by inNoStupidQuestions
This husband sees his wife making poor choices that affect them both, and wonders what might be the best way to broach the subject.
These 15 people have some advice, and surprisingly, none of it includes battle armor.
15. Start cooking.
He could start cooking at home and asking her to eat what he’s cooked.
You can start with frequent unhealthy foods but with portions a bit smaller than what she orders, and work your way gradually to healthier foods.
You can also sneak in before the major meal gut-filling satiety-inducing foods
14. Say you’ll do it together.
Lead by example. Maybe tell her you want to be in better shape so you can be healthier, and ask her to join you so you can do it together as a team. You would have to be committed and you can keep her motivated.
It may come off less of a blow to her.
on a more personal level..i dont know where you guys are in life…but if you have kids you want to be healthy for them or if you want kids, she shouldn’t get pregnant right now..it wouldn’t be good for her or baby. ….just a thought.
13. It might not work the way you’d like.
I would like to add to this. It is important to realize that while this approach is good both because you’re setting a positive example and also getting healthier, it’s not necessarily likely to get the result you’re after.
I told my wife I wanted to get healthier, so I got a gym membership and ended up losing 20lbs and gaining some muscle through diet and exercise. Unfortunately, her eating habits have gotten worse if anything and she feels worse because I’m now in good shape.
12. Help her get help.
Has she had any counseling for the miscarriages? Is she self medicating with food?
As someone who has had weight issues and miscarriage issues, if she’s anything like me she’s blaming herself and hates herself for not being able to do something that so many people manage without trying. So when you don’t have the mental health help you eat. And then you feel worse because you’re weak and you’re eating so you eat.
Seriously, people look after what they love. Look for some help for her to deal with the mental issues around your fertility issues and you might well find that as her mental health improves so does her attitude to her health.
Approaching it as “you’re too fat, you need to lose weight, maybe that’s why we can’t have kids” will probably make things worse because she’s hearing all of the worst things she thinks about herself coming from the person she loves the most.
I hope you and your wife get the help you need.
11. Maybe just straight talk.
I would feel so condescended to if my husband did this.
Just tell me honestly but gently that you’re concerned for my health and that my excess weight is an issue for your continued attraction to me.
No need to “I’m getting some fitness, you want some?”
Besides, when has that approach ever worked?
10. Focus on mental health.
Yea her problem isn’t just food, it’s a mental health issue with not taking care of herself. She really needs counseling and she has to want it. OP, you may also want to seek help since all you should really do is express concern and support her decisions. In the end, it’s up to her to get help. Hopefully you guys can both lead happy and healthy lives together. The best advice is to start lovingly with yourself.
9. Love and support.
I’ve been the wife in this situation, at 300. Trust me. She knows. She probably points it out from time to time as a way to get a self esteem or justification boost, but subconsciously, she’s indicating that she is ready, and scared. Because it feels insurmountable and overwhelming, so it’s easier to hear “oh no you are beautiful and fuckable and yadda yadda” instead of what she needs to hear.
Love and support. Love and support. Whenever she mentions feeling ugly or fat, it’s a sign that she wants to ready. Just be prepared to be ready with her. Don’t try to deny the “I’m fat” right away, say that if she’s unhappy with herself, you will be there for any changes we need to make to make it better.
The other thing you have to realize, is even though she definitely feels the effects of her weight, she doesn’t really how shitty she feels literally all the time. Once she starts losing, she’ll start to realize how much easier life is, and that’ll encourage her.
I really hope this helps. It’s a sh%tty situation, but if you want spend your life with her, you want both your lives to be as long as possible.
8. Check for underlying issues.
I’m also a female with weight issues. I’ve never had a miscarriage, but I had a patch of serious mental health issues a couple of years ago and I ended up gaining nearly 100 pounds, from 150 to about 250. It may be hard for people who’ve never had an eating disorder to understand but food is my alcohol or heroin. Unhealthy food gives me a happy brain chemical kick when I’m not getting it from anywhere else and numbs the pain. I’ve started to lose the weight that I gained in the past few months, but it didn’t start coming off until the mental health was under control.
For a while I was trapped in a vicious cycle. The depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation from unrelated issues started the weight gain, but then as I started to gain weight that impacted the mental health even more, further driving the weight gain. I felt like I had no control over my life for three years as I gained the weight. It finally stopped when I dealt with the underlying mental health issues and the weight seems to be taking care of itself with a healthier diet and a 30 minute walk in the evenings.
I also felt so ashamed as I was gaining the weight. Every time I would visit my parents or my hometown I would be ashamed. Every time I went out I would hope that I wouldn’t run into someone I hadn’t seen in a few months. I was avoiding people and further isolated, which also drove the vicious cycle.
I believe I have some kind of an eating disorder. I’ve had weight issues that stem from the problems in my life since I was a very young child. In the past I may have gained 20 or so pounds from a rough patch and then lost it over the next few months. This 100 pound gain is from life problems on a scale I’d never experienced before. I can’t imagine what a miscarriage, or loss of a child, or a divorce would do to me, I would weigh 500 pounds.
I really hope OP’s wife gets the help she needs.
7. A man who knows what to say.
This.
My husband never says “you need to lose weight,” but he does say “I don’t like it when you say you feel fat. If your weight bothers you this much, we should take steps to make you feel better.”
6. Approach it like this.
Psychotherapist here.
Oftentimes overweight people have emotional issues, that also give rise to the weight issue.
Not always for sure, but oftentimes.
I’m just throwing it in there.
Might be worth looking into.
5. Offer to work together.
She knows. She’s not dumb.
The best thing someone can do to help is to identify barriers and help eliminate them or reduce them. I struggle with my weight myself and I’ve spent a lot of time struggling to figure out why I keep failing. Through introspection and being honest with myself I’ve realized it’s a few different things. The biggest 2 being stress and time. I’m busy as hell and stressed out most of the time and that really impacts my motivation. I kick my ass at work all day and then I have to come home and cook and work out? It can be too much.
So over the last year I’ve implemented systems to overcome those things. I plan and meal prep every weekend. So all I have to do is heat up dinner when I get home. I hired a cleaning service even though it’s expensive as hell. (Magically found the money for it was already there when I stopped with all the convenience foods.) I joined a walking challenge at work. I started restricting errands to 1 day a week to cut down on exposure to temptations. I’m in counseling. Etc etc. It’s coming off slowly because I refuse to crash diet (and I’m middle aged). But over the last 12 months I’m 40 lbs down from my highest weight.
OP could help his wife identify her barriers and then actually help eliminate them. Do the cooking. Clean. Help her into counseling. Help her strategize ways to avoid temptations. Whatever it is. Research is starting to show that obesity has huge causes that are incredibly difficult to overcome. (Metabolism changes, microbiomes. Etc.) That doesn’t eliminate our responsibility to take care of ourselves. What I’m saying is that it’s already hard enough without life/social challenges on top. And since they are the ones we have control over most, that’s where we can make changes to hopefully improve our success in getting healthy.
4. You can’t make people change.
This will sound counter productive but leading by example in my opinion doesn’t work. At the end of the day, people are gonna do what they want and they really don’t give a shit what you’ve been doing. They’re not seeing what you’re doing “as an example” at all unless it’s some kind of life hack that will benefit them in the short run.
People mindsets need to be changed. You ever realize that about yourself? Even things you really want in life can be unachievable when you realize you just can’t get yourself to be into it even though you really crave the finished product. I see this with myself all the time.
Things like this are like the movie Inception in my opinion. People gotta feel like they are changing themselves, not being changed.
3. Choose your words.
“I’m concerned about your health and well being and am ready to help you”
I’m no people expert, but I know for sure know people on this planet don’t love being told what they need (especially when it comes to personal issues)
2. Don’t make it about her.
Second this idea.
If you can remain committed to a healthier lifestyle without forcing the changes on her, she’ll feel far less threatened and potentially more open to making changes herself.
1. Taking comfort eating to the extreme.
Seems like there might be more going on than just being overweight, if she won’t eat anything unless it’s junk food then that could be an eating disorder.
Diets and fitness rarely work unless you tackle the root causes first. Maybe a therapist? Fix the mindset, start eating correctly and hopefully the rest will follow suit.
Just a thought anyway.
I don’t know, y’all, this is so tricky. I hope I never find myself in this situation.
If you’ve faced something similar, please share your experience with us in the comments!
