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If you’re worried about your man straying or finding happiness in greener pastures – and if you want to live like your grandmother did – here are 5 super eye-opening tips from the 1950s on how to keep your husband or boyfriend happy at home.
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
#5. Find the sweet spot between horny and frigid.
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A Dr. William Josephus Robinson warns in his 1922 page-turner Married Life and Happiness, don’t become a “sexual vampire.”
“Just as the vampire sucks the blood of its victims in their sleep while they are alive, so does the woman vampire suck the life and exhaust the vitality of her male partner – or “victim.”
“It is to be borne in mind that it is particularly older girls – girls between thirty and fifty – who are apt to be unreasonable in their demands when they get married; but no age is exempt; sexual vampires may be found among girls of twenty as well as among women of sixty and older.”
So, tone it down, ladies.
But take care not to cross into frigid territory, either.
“Now, if you are one of those frigid or sexually anesthetic women, don’t be in a hurry to inform your husband about it. To the man it makes no difference in the pleasurableness of the act whether you are frigid or not unless he knows that you are frigid. And he won’t know unless you tell him, and what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him. Heed this advice. It has saved thousands of women from trouble.”
tl;dr: Just fake it and move on with your (unsatisfied) life.
#4. Don’t speak unless spoken to.
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No man wants to hear you yapping the minute they walk in the door, Karen. Your husband has needs, and those don’t include listening to all of the ways the kids drove you batty or how the dishwasher needs to be fixed, mmmkkay?
Just check out the first four commandments from “How to be a Good Wife” by Edward Podolsky:
- Don’t bother your husband with petty troubles and complaints when he comes home from work.
- Be a good listener. Let him tell you his troubles; yours will seem trivial in comparison.
- Remember your most important job is to build up and maintain his ego (which gets bruised plenty in business). Morale is a woman’s business.
- Let him relax before dinner. Discuss family problems after the inner man has been satisfied.
That said, one Reverend Alfred Tyrer (author of Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage) reminds you to be available if he wants to chat.
“If the husband is intellectually inclined, and from time to time seeks to explain little things to her so that she may have at least a bare knowledge of what it is that interests him, and, without the slightest comment, she takes up again the fashion magazine she laid down when he commenced to speak, we may be pretty sure that there is going to be a ‘rift in the lute’ sooner or later in that house.”
#3. Invest in a nice pair of pink panties (or two).
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Dainty pink panties are recommended in not one, but two books by the good Dr. Robinson.
“Silk and lace and delicate batiste should be preferred, if they can be afforded, and attention should be paid to the color. As a rule, a delicate pink is the color that most men prefer.”
“…every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she can afford. And the color should be preferably pink. And lace and ruffles, I am sorry to say, add to the attractiveness of underwear, and are liked by the average man.”
#2. Make sure your cooking is up to snuff…or else.
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From Dr. Robinson’s book Married Life and Happiness:
“Bad cooking is responsible for dyspepsia, dyspepsia is responsible for grouchiness and irritability, grouchiness and irritability lead to quarrels and squabbles. And bad cooking, which is the usual thing in the average American home, has been responsible as much as any other factor for driving the husband to the saloon, and to other places. And when she does cook, she should cook, and not be, as somebody said, a mere can opener.”
Ouch.
#1. Let him have a little fun – he’s earned it, right?
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If you do all of this and your husband still strays? Well, it’s your choice how you respond, ladies, but ultimately, don’t you just want to let it go? Per Dr. Robinson:
“But in case of an occasional lapse on the part of the husband – there a bit of advice may prove acceptable. And my advice would be: forgive and forget. Or still better – make believe that you know nothing. An occasional lapse from the straight path does not mean that he has ceased to love you. He may love you as much; he may love you a good deal more.”
And that’s all that really matters, right? Not the syphilis he accidentally brought home – that can be ignored with no ill effects.
I’m pretty sure that’s right.
