15. Weddings and Whiskey
A friend of mine was getting married to this girl no one liked. His younger brother Kyle was the best man. Mutual friend Ryan and myself were two of the three groomsmen and the last groomsman was the girlfriend’s brother. Kyle, Ryan and I actually spent the hour(s) leading up to the wedding trying to talk the groom out of the wedding and also drinking a liter of whiskey in one of the back rooms of the church. By the time the ceremony started Kyle, Ryan and I were all pretty inebriated.
As the objection part came up, Kyle stepped forward and stated loudly that he objected. There were collective gasps and no one really knew what the hell was happening. Kyle stepped up and put his arm around his brother’s neck, pulled him to the side, and they proceeded to have a 10 minute conversation (which later we found out Kyle had left his truck running in the alley, right outside the back door and was trying to convince his brother to bail right then and there). After the conversation with his brother, Kyle stepped over to the bride and pulled her aside. After a five minute conversation he pulled them closer, had one arm around each and they were whispering in a huddle. Finally Kyle stepped back, resumed his spot and loudly stated, “Let em get married I guess.” There was audible sighs of relief after what seemed an hour of tension and the wedding went on without any other problems. Still laugh about that.
16. Surprise ending.
So, funny story about my dad objecting at a wedding.
This was about ten years ago, and my dad and his buddy got really drunk at our house one Saturday afternoon, then decided to go cruising in my dad’s truck (like responsible adults). A few blocks from the house there is a really popular outdoor wedding venue, and as they drove by, a wedding was occurring. They slowed to a crawl to creep on the nuptials, and as the minister got to the “Any objections?” bit, my dad leaned really far out the window and screamed, “YEAH BUDDY, THE BRIDE IS A WHORE!” then cackled and drove off.
Fast forward about a year, and dad is at the neighborhood gas station. He parks at the same time as this other guy, who gives him a weird look and follows him in. As dad collects his miscellaneous [stuff] from around the store, the guy is still staring at him. Dad pays, the dude follows him out, and asks if he’d interrupted a wedding at X venue about a year earlier, described the encounter, yadda ya. Dad sheepishly admits to it and apologizes. The guy said he recognized the truck and asked if my dad knew something he didn’t. My dad said he was just drunk, and the guy informed him that he found out about a month after the wedding his bride had been [screwing] his best man for months up to the wedding. Then thanked my dad.
17. I still love you though.
Was at my bosses daughters wedding. Her ex stood up right as the minister said the whole “If any object, speak now…” and professed how in love he still is with her.
Then the bride goes off on a rant about how bad he treated her and how he used to beat her and make her feel worthless. Two guys got up from the back row and dragged him away as he was crying.
18. NOOOOOOOOOOO…
My husband and I got married in Jamaica. The Jamaican wedding ceremony is very long and the minister really focused on the whole “if there is any reason why this couple, ANY reason at all…” and then paused for (I kid you not) 30 seconds.
My sister-in-law was standing up for me and there was a raised altar area, so her 2-year-old son was down below. Right at that moment, he decided he had enough and started screaming at the top of his lungs “No-o-o-o-o-o-O-O-O-O!!!!!!!!! Everyone was shocked for a moment, and then when they realized who had objected, they started laughing.
Later on, the wedding photographer got a picture of her on stage with my nephew holding her hand, standing behind a potted plant. It was so cute! He just graduated from college. I should send that photo to him.
19. Still married.
The person didn’t say “I object.”
But, when the minister said, “Does anyone know any reason whatsoever why this man and this woman may not be lawfully wedded?” a person in attendance said, “Yes, I know a reason – she’s still married to another man.”
Turns out he was accurate. The bride-to-be had been married before, and thought her divorce in California was over. But some snag in the legal process prevented it from becoming final – so legally, she was still married to another man.
At that point, the minister announced that the ceremony could not be completed until the matter was resolved. It was among the most awkward moments I’ve ever witnessed.
20. Thrown out at funerals and weddings.
Yeah, my cousins dad is a dick. He showed up to his ex wife’s sister’s funeral to scream at his ex wife and daughter. He was forcibly removed from the church by the deceased’s husband and son.
So when this guy showed up at his daughters wedding, you can probably guess how it went down. We were all actually super surprised how well behaved he was. Then the priest said “If anyone has any reason that-”
“YEAH I GOT A REASON!”
Audible groans happened. A few of my uncles got up to remove the guy from the church. He kept screaming profanities the whole time.
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