I’m not married and I don’t have kids, but I have ears, people. I listen to the conversations of my married friends, and I know what’s going on (sort of).
And I know that the nookie takes a nosedive after those adorable little angels become a part of the family.
Which is why these texts from parents are hilarious and right on the money.
1. Please don’t come in here.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes "Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep."
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) August 29, 2018
2. You’re DEFINITELY a parent.
If your sexytime music is cartoons playing loudly outside your locked door, you might be a parent.
— Snarky Breeders (@snarkybreeders) July 30, 2018
3. No winners here.
Husband and I wrestled behind closed doors this morning. My daughter busted in and pounced on his back.
No one won the wrestling match. No one.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) May 26, 2018
4. See you later.
Me: Do that thing I like
Husband: [takes the kids and leaves]
— Ramblin Mama (@ramblinma) September 9, 2018
5. That’s very hot.
Husband: What's your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don't leave any crumbs under the table.
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) October 2, 2016
6. Makes it kinda fun? Maybe?
Being married with children is like being a teenager again. You can only have sex if you sneak around and don’t get caught.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) May 9, 2013
7. That’s the way it goes.
Be sure to keep the spark alive by texting him sexy little nothings like,
"We need to check the kids for lice" and "please buy tampons".
— MyMomologue (@MyMomologue) August 10, 2016
8. Fast! No, faster!
Having sex when you're a parent is like trying to shoot from half court with 3 seconds left on the clock.
— Anna Grace (@graceupongracie) March 22, 2016
9. That should do the trick.
Him: What are you wearing?
Me: Medical-grade hospital socks with anti-slip technology.
— Crystal Lowery Comedian (@Crystalllowery) November 18, 2018
10. You just have to deal with it.
The best thing about sex after kids is probably no matter where in your house or car you do it, you end up with legos, Barbie shoes, or Shopkins lodged in your body
— 🦅🇺🇸Elisabeth🇺🇸🦅 (@YourMomsucksTho) July 16, 2018
11. It’s totally worth it.
People think being a dad is just wearing cargo shorts and making lame jokes but you also got to have sex at least once and that was cool.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 26, 2016
12. Might not be a great idea.
[alarm goes off]
Wife: Unnngh. I don’t want to get out of bed.
Me: If you stay in bed, I’m going to try to have sex with you.
Wife: [already at work]
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 14, 2019
13. What are you doing with your time?
Dear parents who photograph their children napping or set up dinosaur scenes while their kids are sleeping: You should be having sex.
— Sarah Thyre (@SarahThyre) November 20, 2013
14. Should we just go to bed?
Initiating sex before kids:
"Hey, you look nice…"
Initiating sex after kids:
"How tired are you?"
— Dennis DiClaudio, in R’lyeh, waits dreaming (@dennisdiclaudio) December 1, 2018
15. It’s over. Forever.
It's when you and your spouse start referring to each other as "Mommy" and "Daddy" that you realize you're never having sex ever again.
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) November 29, 2012
Hey, it’s not all bad, is it?
Parents, weigh in on this matter and give the folks who wrote these tweets (and other parents out there) some good advice about gettin’ it on!