Maybe you think you’re well-versed in all things related to funny business, but we think you’re gonna be in for a bunch of big surprises today.
Why?
Well, because a bunch of people were nice enough to share jokes that aren’t super common. Does that sound good, or what?
What’s your favorite joke that isn’t very well known?
Here’s what AskReddit users had to say.
1. Speeding.
“A guy is late for work and gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks for license and registration.
The guy says “well officer i can’t do that. You see, this is a stolen vehicle”
The officer then says “Is that so? I’m gonna need to know if there are any weapons in the vehicle.”
And the guy replies “yes sir, there’s a gun in the glove compartment.”
The officer is now more on edge and says “sir, I need you to step out of the vehicle with your hands up and tell me if there’s anything else I need to know”
and the guy says “officer, if I’m being completely honest here, then I gotta tell ya there’s a body in the trunk”
The officer then calls for backup and asks the man to wait by the police cruiser while his partner searches the vehicle.
When the partner comes over he says “Sir im trying to understand what the story is here. My partner said the vehicle was stolen but this vehicle is registered to you. He also said there was a weapon in the glove compartment and a body in the trunk but I didn’t find either one.”
The guy then replied “I bet the son of a b*tch told you I was speeding too”.”
2. Hey o!
“I think there’s something wrong with the cactus I’m growing, but I can’t put my finger on it.”
3. OJ.
“The orange juice complained to his therapist that no one wanted to drink him because he had too much pulp.
He was so depressed that he wanted to throw himself from the highest refrigerated shelf.
“Try to restrain yourself,” said the therapist.”
4. Outta here!
“What do you get when you cross human DNA with Goat DNA?
You get kicked the hell out of the petting zoo.”
5. An exotic pet.
“This guy is feeling lonely and he decides to get an exotic pet, so he goes to the exotic pet store and looks around and suddenly he sees that there’s a sale. “Rare Giant talking centipede, with house. $100”. He decides he wants a talking centipede, and takes it home.
The guy and the centipede spend several days chatting and drinking beer, and they become good friends. One day, the guy says to the centipede “Hey, centipede, let’s go out to a movie”. “Ok, one second” the centipede says, and he disappears into his house. 5 minutes go by. 10 minutes, 15, 20, finally half an hour later the guy goes “Hey centipede, you ready?” no answer. He taps on the house. “Centipede!!”
The centipede pokes his head out and says “Hang on man I’m putting my f*cking shoes on”.”
6. At the pub.
“So a man moves to a small village and goes to the pub to make some friends. As he walks in the door he hears someone shout out “number 34!” Everyone in the pub lets out a slight chuckle.
He goes up to the bar and orders a beer. As the bartender is pouring it another patron yells “number 8!” and everyone has a good laugh.
Confused, the man asks the bartender “What’s with people calling out numbers?”
“Well this is a small town and everyone grew up together. After hearing the same jokes all the time we decided to just number them” says the bartender. “We hear the number, remember the joke and save some time.”
The new guy thinks about it for a second and yells “number 93!”
The room erupts into chaos. People are laughing so hard that they’re doubled over. Everyone is wiping tears tears from their eyes and a few are having a hard time catching their breath.
The man tells the barkeep “Wow, number 93 must be pretty good!” Once the barkeep is able to calm himself he says “We’ve never heard that one!””
7. Yikes!
“What do you call it when a cow jumps over a barbed wire fence?
Udder destruction.”
8. Mental asylum.
“A man was passing by a mental asylum and was curious because all the patients were shouting, “FOURTEEN FOURTEEN FOURTEEN.”
Now there was a huge wall that divided the public from the patients so the man couldn’t see what was going on. Because of his curiosity he naturally wanted to see what was happening, he managed to find a peeping hole to look through.
As soon as he looked through the hole the man was promptly poked in the eye by a stick. That’s when all the patients started shouting, “FIFTEEN FIFTEEN FIFTEEN!””
9. He means well.
“So I had the worst day of my life yesterday and my friend told me that it could be worse and that I could be stuck in a hole filled with water somewhere.
It’s ok I know he means well”
10. Ouch.
“My wife said she wants to, you know, experiment more in the bedroom…
But it looks like I’m in the control group….”
11. Heavenly
“3 men were standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, “Heaven’s getting pretty close to full today, and I’ve been asked to admit only people who have had particularly bad endings. So what’s your story?”
So the first man replies: “Well, for a while I’ve suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong. My wife was naked and there was a pile of men’s clothing on the floor.
I searched all over the apartment for the bastard, but didn’t find anything Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this naked man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn’t you know it, he wouldn’t fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers.
Of course, he couldn’t stand that for long, so he let go and fell — but he fell into some bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry, I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.”
“That sounds like a pretty bad day to me,” said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
“It’s been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every morning I do naked yoga on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.
I knew I couldn’t hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands.
Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I’m here.”
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
The third man says “Picture this, I’m hiding naked in a fridge…””
How about you?
What are some of your favorite go-to jokes?
Do us a favor and share them with us in the comments.
Thanks a lot!
