Some people dislike (or fear) raccoons because of their tendency to destroy property and then stare at the indignant human while they rail on about the mess. Raccoons don’t give a single f*ck, but I don’t know, that kind of makes me like them more.
Think about it, you guys — aren’t they cute with those little faces and creepily dextrous hands?
However, since plenty of people feel animosity towards raccoons, anytime one comes out during daylight hours, they’re usually just assumed to be rabid. So naturally when people in Milton, West Virginia, began spotting raccoons milling about in what appeared to be a disoriented state, they called the police.
The police department cannot love getting these calls because it means having to figure out how to disable a disoriented raccoon. Which, let’s be honest, sounds like a pain.
But this time the police quickly realized that the raccoons weren’t rabid at all, but rather drunk on the fermented crabapples they’d been eating (apparently in decent quantities) and having a grand old time terrorizing the streets of Milton.
“We have had calls on suspected rabid raccoons twice over the last two days. Turns out they appear to be drunk on crabapples,” the Milton Police Department wrote on Facebook.
Two officers tossed the furry little a**holes into the drunk tank to give them a chance to sober up before releasing them, unharmed, near the woods where they obviously went in search of more “special apples.”
“Ptl Withers caught one yesterday on Brickyard Ave with the help of the city street department. Today’s culprit was on Highland Ave and Mason Street and it was a community effort,” their FB post continued.
I am truly sorry that there is no video that accompanies this post. A video of cops and community members trying to corner and nab a drunk raccoon would be internet gold.
The Milton Police warned residents not to try to grab any additional raccoons that seem like they could use a cot and a cup of tea. They’re drunk raccoons, after all, and would presumably be more cantankerous than a regular raccoon when cornered by humans.
“If you see a staggering and disoriented raccoon please do not approach it. It could be sick, so call us and we’ll take care of it.”
You’ve got to get us some footage, Milton.