You live and you learn and you vow to never do some things a second time. At least, that’s what you do if you’re one of these 12 people. Some of these stories had me laughing, some had me crying, and some I found way too relatable.
1. Survival of the dumbest
I worked as a tower hand for a construction company. I used to take of my lanyard and move between booms (500-600feet up). I would also slide down the outside legs untethered because it was faster than climbing down the ladder. I cringe when I think that there was zero chance of survival if I fell.
2. Peach catapult
I went down in the pantry of my grandma’s house and ate 45-year-old peaches from a jar. Did you know the human body is capable of ejecting peaches in the exact same form they were consumed? Me neither.
I was in Reykjavik, Iceland. I was bar hopping and ended up in some sort of Viking metal bar. It wasn’t really my scene but I was having a “when in Rome moment.” Anyway at some point during the set, this super intimidating looking Viking dude calls for his “thrall” and this woman comes out holding a vat of what I hope was sheep’s blood.
He reaches into the vat, smears the blood on his face while screaming something in Icelandic, and then flicks his hands sending a little blood spatter to the crowd. I have never run out of a place so hard.
4. I put a spell on you
Once I hooked up with a girl who claimed to be actively practicing a number of pagan rituals and religions, and also was somehow Buddhist. She ended up being pretty out there. She tried to put a bunch of horrifying curses on me and stuff like that.
Never again! As silly as it might be I will always ask someone prior to sex if they claim to be or have at any point considered themselves to be “spiritual” beyond your basic belief in God. I’m not trying to mess with the occult.
5. Bad combination
I had a 103 temperature. I was sicker than a dog from the flu and constipated like nobody’s business. I was miserable. So I took 4 “fiber” pills in the morning. That caused me to have hallucination fits for the next 5 hours. Desperate to get some sleep, I took an extra strength sleeping pill.
I woke up 9 hours later, not constipated anymore and with a whole house full of laundry to do.
6. Hogging the covers
When my wife and I first got together, we lived in a tiny apartment and shared a twin bed. This situation continued even after she got pregnant. This, of course, substantially reduced my sleeping area. We slept in a spooning position.
One night, when she was about 7 months pregnant, I awoke in the middle of the night and tried to readjust the blanket to recover myself. It often would end up bunched up between us, so I reached down to find it and pull it back up.
There was some resistance, but I assumed that she had her foot on the blanket or something. So I pulled harder, assuming it would come free. At this point, my wife turned her head around and angrily asked what I was doing.
It turns out that I was not pulling the blanket. I had grabbed the back of her underwear and was forcefully pulling them up her buttcrack. I broke out laughing and couldn’t stop for quite awhile. She was substantially less amused and even less so after my explanation.
So the mistake I will never make again is… Never tell an angry, rudely awoken pregnant woman that you mistook her underwear for a blanket. Especially if you’re laughing hysterically at the time.
7. Seafood party of 4
Once I made two terrible food decisions in a single day. This was years ago when I was in my middle 20’s.
I woke up hungry and went to the fridge to grab some leftover tacos. I’d accidentally forgotten it in the car over night. Still, I thought if I microwaved it, it’d be fine. So I ate a chicken quesadilla that had been sitting out for over 20 hours.
Just as I was finishing it up, my buddy called and begged me to join him on a “just friends” hang session with this girl he was trying to date. They wanted to go to this Asian seafood place I’d always seen driving by, but had never tried.
So we go there. They have a kind of seafood super sampler platter. We get that. It’s supposed to feed 6, but we finish it off as a party of 4. That afternoon…it began.
My friend called and asked if I was feeling bad from the seafood, and I told him I was, but it was probably something from earlier in the day. He said, “We’re feeling a little queasy too, but we’ve got tickets tonight so we’re just gonna drink water and go for it. I got a date. WOO!” I wished him luck and went back to my video games.
By midnight, I thought I was going to turn inside out. It was so bad, I would have called 911 if my phone had been in the bathroom with me. But it was on my night stand and I physically could not get to it. I could hear it ringing occasionally, so I hoped that whoever was trying to call would stop by and take me to the hospital.
Turns out the calls late that night were my buddy, calling to come pick them up because they had BOTH had accidents at the concert on their first date.
Don’t worry. We all survived and they’re married now.
8. Big mistake
I took a train ride from New Orleans to Washington DC. I thought I was a prodigy by choosing coach seating over a sleeper car or flying as I was saving some money by doing so.
Jump forward 25 hours in the same seat. The dude next to me was pulling a Germany vs. Poland invasion of our armrest. There was a baby screaming all night in the back of the car so I couldn’t sleep. The toilet situation had deteriorated to the point where I would have had to use my elbows and boots to open and close the door and flush. (Apparently my fellow riders were baffled by the concept of flushing and using a trash bin for paper towels.)
I’d been awake 25 hours by this point and it was 3:45am.
If I ever do this again, it’s gonna be in a sleeper car. I don’t care what it costs.
Murder on the Orient Express had the right idea.
9. Well that got weird
I was the designated driver for my son’s 21st birthday. He was out with his dad and about 10 of his close friends, so I was pretty busy driving back and forth shlepping them all home. Finally, I get the call from dad that it’s time, and our son needs to go home.
He’s in the back seat with one of his friends when I feel a hand come from behind and grope my boob.
Then the hand quickly moves down to my inner thigh. My son then says, “What do I need to do to get me some of that?”
I don’t know who he thought I was. We don’t talk about that night. And I don’t DD for my kids anymore.
10. Human Apple Orchard
I was once in on a bet to do an “Apple Juice Challenge” where I had 30 minutes to drink a gallon of apple juice. Not too hard right? Easy $5 to be made? Not so much.
What my jerk friends didn’t tell me is that when you drink so much apple juice in such a small amount of time, it all needs to exit the body, through the back door.
What followed were the most intense, volcano blasting, butt destroying hours of my life. I was like a fire hose spraying citric acid.
I didn’t complete the challenge.I lost $5. And I even paid for the apple juice. NEVER AGAIN apple juice. Never again.
11. Drugs are bad
At the time, I was younger and way dumber.
I got the chance to score meth and decided to see what the hoopla was all about. I loaded everything that I bought and chased the white dragon.
I spent the next 22 hours alternating between pleasuring myself and crawling on all fours around my house trying to find meth crumbs behind the fridge that may have somehow mysteriously gotten there.
That stuff is nasty, man. Stay away from drugs.
12. Not entirely lickable
When I was six, I distinctly remember my mom saying, “Don’t lick that grill Aaron, or it will really hurt.” I licked it.
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