Doctors, nurses, EMTs, and veterinarians see some pretty messed up stuff.
These 14 AskReddit stories, as told by them, just give us a little taste of what they deal with on the reg:
#1. Number One
“I was doing paperwork on a transfer last night. About halfway to the receiving hospital, I heard my patient start grunting.
I looked up from my paperwork just in time to see my patient, pants around the ankles, diaper around the knees, perfectly urinating into his own face.
He wasn’t even a psych patient.
I just waited for him to finish and handed him a towel.”
#2. Feline love
“Vet here. I had this lady bring in her female cat who turned out to be pregnant.
She was adamant that it was impossible, as this was strictly an indoor cat.
Upon further questioning, she admitted that there was an intact tom also living in the same house, but that he couldn’t possibly have done it because he was the female cat’s brother.
Yeah, cats don’t work that way.”
#3. “Good times…”
“A drunk abusive woman in her mid 40s stripped herself naked and masturbated in our emergency department.
When the police were arresting her, they all jumped back as she wiped her vulva with a pair of gloves and threw them at me.
The gloves went ‘splat!’ on my chest and stuck to me, the stink was horrific.
I couldn’t bring myself to lift my top off, so I cut it off with scissors rather than lift the dank over my face.
Good times…”
#4. Hair care
“Was doing wound care in a nursing home. Patient was super non-compliant, and his lower legs were covered in weeping, infected ulcerations.
They drained constantly, to the point where I had to implement some heavy duty, specialty dressings to contain the drainage between dressing changes.
The smell was horrible, you could tell where he was in the facility by the smell, and his room reeked.
At any rate, he wouldn’t get in the bed so I could do his dressings, so I had to squat on the floor and do it while he was in the wheelchair.
Anyway, I’m about 15 minutes into this dressing change, when my hair tie decides to be a useless f*ck, and snaps.
My hair acts like it’s in a goddamn Pantene commercial for once in its life, and bounces in a golden cascade all over this guy’s ulcers…and just stuck…
Alllll up and down his legs.
And, that’s how my director found me washing my hair with surgical scrub in the break room.”
#5. Liquid body
“I work security in a hospital, mostly psych units, but also the ER.
Grossest thing I’ve seen was a body that had been sitting in the morgue for like 5 months.
The body had liquefied.
Security releases the bodies and has to check toe tags, so I had to open the bag.
The guy picking up the body tried to move it before it was secured.
Liquid body everywhere.”
#6. Let’s talk turkey
“Nurse here. Had a patient who was a very nasty lady. Near 300 lbs, 6’2″, unkempt, and rude. She had a catheter in and called someone in to check it out.
While the nurse was begrudgingly looking at it, it got moved a little. She said, ‘Oh that felt good on my clit.’
The nurse then noticed something strange about her vagina. Turns out there was a turkey sandwich stuck in it.
She informed the patient who then responded, ‘Oh, did you want to eat it out of me?’
The same patient on a different admission had received a chest x-ray in the evening. Overnight, the medical resident came flying onto the unit declaring something was majorly wrong on the x-ray, and she needed to be assessed and moved to another floor.
Turns out she had a pork chop under her boob that showed up on x-ray.”
#7. Mother of the year?
“Walked in on a new mother sitting cross-legged in the bed, infant draped face-down across her lap, screaming.
Mom is eating Doritos, covering the kid in a fine dust of cheese crap, and smoking a crack pipe.”
#8. Poor kid
“A young boy decided to walk around with a flare gun shoved in the front waistband of his shorts.
The gun went off, and the flare damn near burned his penis off.
Took lots of skin grafts, and it still won’t ever be right.”
#9. Love is in the air
“Seriously obese patient, famous for making incredibly rape-y comments towards male staff.
At any rate, she started ‘dating’ a frail guy, or at least he was spotted making countless trips from the snack machines to her room.
A few weeks into the relationship, her sister demands a private room, so they can get their squish on.
However, that’s not all she wanted…
She was concerned that the two couldn’t actually consummate their relationship, and she wanted us to…
‘You just gotta, you know, PUT THEM TOGETHER! She can’t hold her legs up so you gotta hold them for her!! Then you gotta help her MOVE! Don’t you know nothin’?'”
#10. What’s up, Doc?
“One of the male doctors put a hidden camera in a shampoo bottle, put it in the female showers, and got videos of lots of other female doctors and nurses showering.
All the staff were horrified when he was exposed, seeing as he was quite a senior doctor.”
#11. Don’t do drugs
“A female patient came into the ER with profuse rectal bleeding, her boyfriend in tow, covered in her blood and poop all up his front.
Turns out that in a bid to get higher off of nitrous oxide than from its normal inhalation route, they decided to use a homemade whipped-cream maker to blow N2O up her rear-end.
He over-inflated her colon, and she had a blowout.
Patient required a temporary colostomy, and fortunately this was later reversed.
The worst part was having to break the news that there is no possible way to get high by doing such a thing.”
#12. BJ
“I once walked in on a patient getting a blow job in his shared room.
Guy was only in the hospital for 24 hours.
Like, come on guy…Can’t it wait?”
#13. Doggy style
“18-month-old intact male Dalmatian, living with an intact female (show home). The dog was clinically normal until the female came into season, at which point he became suddenly paraplegic. As soon as the female was out of season, he was back to normal. Clinical and neurological exam was unremarkable.
We decided to expose him to another female in heat, and lo and behold, he became paraplegic within a few minutes, with the neurological exam indicating a lesion in the lumbar chord. Took the female away, and he was back to normal within a couple hours.
We did a myelogram (dating the story here) and found a small mass at the right place, but nowhere near big enough to explain the symptoms. The owner insisted on surgery anyway, so the mass was removed, and the dog was cured after that.
The mass was then sent in for pathology, and it came back as an ectopic piece of Corpus spongiosum: a piece of penis where there shouldn’t be any.
Basically, the dog was getting erections inside his spinal canal, and the pressure on the spinal chord caused the symptoms, which were reversible when the stimulus went away.
Truly one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.”
#14. Once you pop…
“Psych patient went off his meds and set himself on fire.
The surgeon cleaned up his wounds and stapled cadaver skin to him, which had been harvested from organ donors.
I walked in on the patient peeling off and sucking down the cadaver grafts like slimy potato chips.”
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