Me:
My wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: (stands up)
Wife: While you’re up….

— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) June 12, 2019

My wife and I share an Amazon account.

This came up as a recommended purchase.

Now accusations are flying back and forth about who searched for what.

I'm not sure if we can survive this. pic.twitter.com/EoxtddBN06

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) June 27, 2019

"I don't want popcorn"

– My wife, who's about to eat half my popcorn during this movie

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) May 11, 2019

Marriage teaches you when your wife asks you which shoes look better, simply picking one won't do, you must present at least two concise, legitimate reasons.

— Dan Regan (@DanRegan_Comedy) July 7, 2019

Guys, if you're ever feeling like your wife couldn't possibly live without you, remember that Target sells body pillows, coffee, batteries and in some states, wine. #marriedlife

— TwinzerDad (@TwinzerDad) December 16, 2018

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) June 10, 2015

Mornings when my wife can sleep in:

Me: [tiptoeing around, whispering to kids, wearing only socks until I leave the house]

Mornings when I can sleep in:

Wife: DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT A SMOOTHIE [sound of blender]

— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) June 20, 2019

I’ve agreed so much with my wife that my head just starts nodding at the sound of her voice.

— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 19, 2016

Just regaled my wife with a story about a grocery coupon that should have worked but didn’t but then the guy got it to work after all.

Don’t tell me the spark is gone.

— The Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) February 28, 2018

I don’t always pick out the wrong item when my wife sends me to the store but when I do I buy it in the mega-pack.

— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) July 18, 2019

Wife: *gets back from the butcher shop* They said this is the hottest sausage I'll ever have.

Me: Actually-

Wife: NO.

— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 14, 2017

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

— The Dad (@thedad) March 24, 2013

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

— *sigh*clops (@aotakeo) July 22, 2019

Before I got married I never understood why dad would go work on his car when it was 12 degrees outside

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 24, 2016