I think many – or most – of us have a “guy” for certain things. A guy who gets us our firewood, or our side of beef, or maybe trims our trees or services our HVAC unit a couple times a year.
Others, though, have a guy for everything – even things you never imagined one would need a guy for, and if you want to be surprised, just keep on reading!
15. He was glad to help them.
I’m very old. By reddit standards I should be dead. When I was a kid I was “sabbat goy” for the elderly Jewish couple next door. They were very orthodox and there were a bunch of things they wouldn’t do on Sabbbat, like turn a light off or re-light the furnace.
It was O.K. for me to do it for them, as long as it was voluntary and not a paid arrangement, because I’m not Jewish. They gave us produce from their kitchen garden, but that was not “payment.”
He had the tattoo. Maybe she did too, but she always wore long sleeves. I was glad to help them.
14. Well this sounds delightful.
I have a guy that will bring me a free bounce house rental upon request. And then leaves it at my house until someone else rents it out, so it’s a party for days!
We’ve had racing obstacle courses, a joust, and many others.
13. How does one find THAT guy?
I have a guy who will spray psychedelic mushroom spores on your property for you. He wont sell you mushrooms, or sell / give you spores to place yourself, but he will come out to your property and find areas they will naturally grow at and inoculate the area.
12. I assume there’s a lot to know.
I used to have a guy for burying horses.
Seriously, though, you need a good one. Burying a horse is one of the worst things out there for about a thousand reasons.
11. I had no idea where this was headed.
I have a fat guy. If I need to get fat I call up the fat guy and I get some, he did breast reductions, tummy tucks and such. Fat has lots of stem cells. I used to have a brain guy.
I do medical research.
10. I have questions.
I have a coupon guy, a mango guy, an egg guy, and a tamales* guy.
My friends wife also makes artsy penises on commission but I’ve never taken her up on it
9. Sounds smelly.
I was the tissue guy for a while!
We had a list of “wants” from different labs on campus. Anytime we did a necropsy on a lab animal, after the lab had collected the tissues they needed for their research, I would go in and grab tissues for other labs.
I had one lab that was doing tissue scaffolding that needed 1 inch by 1 inch squares of proximal gracilis, another lab needed whole eyeballs, one wanted intact bladders.. but on the upside, nothing went to waste from a necropsy and labs that just needed control tissue or a source of healthy tissue didn’t need to euthanize a whole animal just for a bladder.
8. My husband would happily be this guy for someone.
I have a mushroom guy, not like psychedelic mushrooms but some rare high quality food grade mushrooms.
7. You gotta know a guy.
I’ve got a pineapple guy.
Gets me the good stuff, variously called the Sugarloaf Pineapple, White Pineapple, Kona Sugarloaf, Kona White, honey cream, etc..
It’s a pineapple that is sweeter and, crucially, has significantly lower acidity, so it doesn’t hurt your mouth or tongue if you eat too much of it.
It’s good to have a pineapple guy.
Edit: For those of you asking how to get your own pineapple guy, you gotta know a guy. And for those who DM’d asking how my guy gets his pineapple, I don’t ask and he doesn’t tell. That’s the whole point of having a guy. I give him money and he gives me the pineapple, no questions asked.
Edit 2: Yes, I’m seriously talking about pineapple fruit, not weed. Now that weed is legal does anybody actually need a weed guy anymore?
6. An inspiring tale.
When I was a waiter in downtown Phoenix twenty years ago I had a street person on retainer.
Parking was difficult for lunch shift, our restaurant couldn’t/wouldn’t validate employees parking, so we had to use the meters on the street.
Since the meters had a two hour limit, you needed to park close enough to be able to run down and feed them in the middle of the lunch rush. Spaces were very limited.
One day, soon after starting, I passed the same “bum” for the third night in a row panhandling. He wasn’t at all vocal, just tried doing funny dances and making people smile, then he’d tell you to have a nice night. Never outright asked for anything and was never rude or aggressive. I gave him a couple bucks a few nights in a row, and started to notice him during the day too once we became familiar.
The first time I saw him after pulling in for a lunch shift I gave him a handful of change from my coin cup in the console and told him if he fed my meter with it all day I’d throw him some cash again after my shift. Found out then that his name was Mike.
Two hours later it’s noon thirty and the crew is dashing down to feed their meters, or asking whomever is going down to do it for them. I gave someone a couple of quarters and asked them to check on mine while they were at it, just in case. They were back in five minutes reporting that my car was good, the hostess’ car was good, and two other servers bookending my car were good, all of us until after 2pm. “Some homeless guy is feeding all the meters on this side of the block.”
The next day, as I was making my way around the gauntlet of one way roads surrounding the building housing my restaurant I saw Mike. He was standing in a parking space right by the bottom of the escalator leading to my work and as soon as he saw my car, he pulled his pants leg up and did a little chorus line dance move to get my attention. He’d been standing there “holding” the spot for me for the past fifteen minutes.
Thus it began. Mike held a parking spot for me nearly every morning for the next two years. He fed my meter and the meter of any other staff I asked him to. I started keeping car cleaning stuff in my car, windex, armor all, and would give him towels from the restaurant to detail it up once a week.
He knew what bar I hung out at and where I sat. He’d track me down when meters were about to expire or he needed a buck. Everybody at the restaurant and the bar across the street started calling him my “bum”. He was my friend though too. His name was Mike. He just didn’t live anywhere because life is more complicated for some people.
But yeah, I had a guy once, a true downtown concierge.
Edit: Thank you all for the awards and encouraging words. I’ve always felt that kindness is it’s own reward, but internet points are neat too.
5. Old apple varieties.
And I thought me having an apple guy would be exotic.
I have a guy who deals in old apple varieties. Want a special tree, he’s got it. Cousinot, not a problem, Filippa’s apple, yes, Northern Spy, of course. We are planting a rather big orchard and I love listening to him extolling the virtues of historic apple varieties.
The old varieties are healthier. They contain more polyphenols which are apparently the reason why these apples are particularly good for people with food allergies. They are often better adapted to soil and weather in our region. And they are beautiful. And the taste is amazing. Some taste of almond paste, and honey, others have a more lemony taste. It’s like sampling wine.
He’s currently trying to get us a young pear tree from a variety that has only four known living exemplars left in our region. I’m absurdly proud to be the receiver of such a rarity. He just called and I’m excited.
It’s good to have an apply guy.
4. If you’re in the market for an organ.
I got a guy named Fat Tony who occasionally texts me about rare but cheap musical instruments. He’s always trying to loop me in on his side hustle of finding instruments on eBay and repairing them for resale.
One day I get a text that says “Yo, Lazy-Clock7316, this is Fat Tony. I got a Hammond organ for ya. $100.” And that’s how I got my organ.
I still have no idea how he got my number or who he really is, we’ve never met in person. Fat Tony.
3. The high end stuff.
Slightly to Crazily outdated a/v equipment. All high end stuff.
Know a dude to does light a/v work for rich folks. Not like home movie theater stuff, just high end tvs, surround systems etc. The old stuff has to go away when they want the newest gadget.
2. Someone who knows.
I’m a wildlife biology student. I have a plant guy, bug guy, reptile guy, fish guy etc.
If I stumble upon something I don’t know in the field, I know someone who will know what it is.
1. For those rare bloodlines.
Horse semen.
Family all own horse ranches and breed… and once at a convention overheard a woman sad she could not find a decent paint male to breed her mare to… i stepped up and shared my connection.
Y’all, I don’t know. I think I need more guys. For things.
Do you have a guy for something unexpected? Would you give him up? Tell us about it in the comments!
