16 Bodily Functions People Would Nix If They Could

Listen, y’all, the human body is a lot of work. It’s a ton of upkeep, if you think about it, and like Jerry Seinfeld said, “if it was a car, you wouldn’t buy it – too much maintenance.”

These 16 people totally agree, and they have some ideas on which bodily functions are actually the worst offenders – the ones they would get rid of first.

We can dream, right? So go ahead and take a scroll!

16. Where is that fountain of youth.


It’s not fun.

15. It’s definitely not pleasant.


If you ingest something toxic, just flush it out the back end.

As an emetophobe, this is my dream, never to have to worry about vomiting.

14. It’s the best, though.

I would get rid of sleeping.

It takes up like a third of your life.

13. It’s kind of a mess.

The whole digestive system in its entirety.

Imagine never needing to eat or drink again.

World hunger and access to clean drinking water would be gone overnight

12. Where would the joy in life be then?


PLEASE. The amount of time and money spent on buying, prepping, cooking, eating, cleaning is just so insanely inconvenient.

There’s some great food out there but I would enjoy so many other experiences if I didn’t have to worry about it.

11. A short list of annoyances.


Or yawning.

Choking on your own spit.

10. Nothing hurts as much.

Mental and physical deterioration with age…

Not asking for immortality here, just let us pass with dignity for goodness sakes. Nothing hurts more than seeing your parents cry as you tend to then on their death bed and their senses fail them in front of you…

Apologies, it’s a death anniversary for me. I know someone feels this too.

8. Said every woman everywhere.

I would remove the pain of periods.

I’m a female and as a woman, there’s nothing worse than period pain.

I’d removed the period pain so every girl doesn’t have to be in unbearable pain throughout their time of the month.

Another body function of remove is wisdom teeth.

We don’t need them and they’re useless.

7. An on/off switch.

Now removing pain entirely would be a bad idea…

But what if we put a switch to turn it on and off, so when you have a really bad toothache, you can not be riddled by pain for god damn week until you get it fixed because i get it, there is something wrong with the tooth just shut up a minute.

6. We’ve moved on, biology.

Storing excess fat?

We’re in a period right now where that’s not great, but across the history of our species the ability to horde an extra month’s worth of food around your middle was highly desirable.

5. Seriously, we’re good.


Converting excess calories into fat. We can all eat what we want and maintain an ideal weight!

The “no side effects” part means that there would magically be some way that people who aren’t eating enough don’t suffer malnutrition immediately.

4. It’s honestly a lot.

Periods and child birth!!!

Eeewwww these things are the worst about being a woman.

Wish I could completely get rid of them without health consequences and pain.

3. A little too easy.

Make it so we can produce everything we need to live in our bodies.

We would never have to eat, drink water, or breathe air, meaning we could explore spaces like space and the ocean without needing as many supplies, and those who can’t get those things in the first place don’t need them anymore.

2. Toddlers everywhere would go under-nourished.


Why do we need mucus? And dried mucus at that?


1. Where would it go?

Waste excretion.

No more poop, no more pee, no more sweat.

I could live with that.

Of course we couldn’t get rid of one of these without screwing up a bunch of other stuff, probably, but hey. Maybe one day science will get there.

If there’s a bodily function you hate that isn’t on this list, drop it in the comments!