There’s an art to being funny, and certainly a knack for telling jokes well. I would argue, though, that the same goes for bad jokes – they can absolutely still be hilarious if you tell them with the right sort of delivery.
You’ll have to work on the panache yourself, but we’ve got the content – here are 17 terrible jokes people say are actually pretty funny.
17. Double gotcha.
What’s brown and rhymes with “snoop”?
A number of years ago I told this to my sister. She laughed pretty hard at first.
She then sends everyone in her contacts “What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?”
She decides she’ll wait 30 seconds before sending the follow up answer. She couldn’t get it typed for 20 solid minutes because her phone was blowing up with people texting her the word “poop”.
I regret nothing.
16. These straight ones slay me.
What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?
“Robin. Get in the car.”
15. A play on words.
Reminds me of “What’s the difference between Grayhound stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.”
14. Make sure you do the voice.
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?
Usual response: “R”
Yarr, ye’d think it be “R”, but a true pirate’s first love be the “C”
– Manuel, is your car automatic?
– I’ts manual
– Oh, I’m sorry. Manual, is your car automatic?
(translated from portuguese)
12. A twist on a classic.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear sir or madam,
Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.
The internet provider.
11. A different sort of fly.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk
10. I personally love this one.
How many doors does a chicken coop have?
Two. If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.
9. I tell this one to my kids a lot.
Where does the president keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
8. Dare you to tell this one.
On this farm, there’s a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.
They do just about everything together. And one day, they’re sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer’s kid is watching MTV, and they’re watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says “you know what? I’m gonna learn how to do that.”
So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, “Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “no problem. Come on down.”
“No, there might be one problem. I’m a horse.”
“Naw, it ain’t a problem. We’ll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise.”
So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he’s like “LOOK WHAT I CAN DO” and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says “holy shit. That’s awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What’s like that?” And horse says “Bass. Learn to play bass.”
So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, miss, come on down.”
“Eh, this might be a problem. I’m a cow.”
“Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise.”
So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says “Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that.”
Horse says “Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here.”
So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says “Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums.”
Guy on the phone says “No problem, man. Come on down.”
“Eh, maybe a problem. I’m a chicken.”
“Naw. Ain’t no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums.”
So chicken learns the drums, and he’s fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer’s out. And one day they’re playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he’s like “what the fuck? that sounds amazing.” so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says “Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You’re gonna be HUGE.”
So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy’s deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they’re big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there’s a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom’s real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they’re cool as hell. They say “Listen. Go see your mom. We’ll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us.”
Horse says “Thanks, guys. you’re the best,” and he takes off.
Couple of days later, Horse’s mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It’s his agent. Cow and Chicken’s plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he’s lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He’s been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he’s on that walk, he just can’t shake the blue, so he figures to himself “Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it.”
So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says “Hey. Why the long face?”
7. Why am I laughing?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo. One of them is really heavy. The other one is a little lighter.
6. You saw that one coming, right?
This guy found a penguin. So he went to his friends and he was like “Guys I found a penguin what do I do with him?” They told him “Take him to the zoo”
A few days later the friends see the guy walking down the street with the penguin. They say “Dude, we thought we told you to take that penguin to the zoo” The guy said “I did! Now I’m taking him to the movies!” 🙂
5. Either or.
I had a dream last night I was a muffler……..woke up exhausted.
Man who runs behind bus gets exhausted. Man who runs in front of bus gets tired.
4. You’ll have to mime to pull it off.
What’s leafy, nutritious, and invisible?
Pull empty hand out from behind back
3. No one is gonna like this one.
Me “The people who live around here are not allowed to be buried in that cemetery.”
“They don’t bury live people.”
2. You’ve gotta sell it.
“What’s a ghost’s favorite country? Fraaaaaaaaaaaaance (said in a ghostly, wavering voice).”
And that’s it. He could say literally any country in that voice and it would still be a dumb joke. But he sells it.
1. A practical joke.
Why are there so many D’s in Edward Woodward’s name?
Because if there weren’t, he’d be Ewar Woowar.
I don’t know about some of these, but some made me at least snort.
Which one are you going to polish up for your friends? Tell us in the comments!