19 People Share Their Crazy Family Stories And Secrets

Photo Credit: flickr/AndYaDontStop/CC BY 2.0

Honestly, this stuff is pretty nuts.

I’m not even sure how to do it justice with an introduction, so why don’t you just go ahead and read it:

#1. The Chair

My grandfather beat a man to death with a kitchen chair.

This happened back in the early 1950s, and the man was my grandmother’s lover.

#2. The Deep Web

My father exploited the deep web for money.

He bought and sold illegal drugs, was suspected of trafficking/using extreme porn sites, and was convicted of operating traffic on a website that sold unsuspecting women’s identities and personal information.

#3. “A slap on the wrist”

My uncle got high and killed his best friend.

But since my grandpa was the police chief, he only got a slap on the wrist.

#4. (The same grandpa from #3)

My grandpa died of AIDS, but the family lied and said it was cancer, because they didn’t want to stain his reputation as an upstanding citizen.

I still don’t know he he got it. Everyone pretends it never happened.

Same grandpa used to make up stories about my mom (his daughter) cheating on my dad, because he thought it was funny.

He continued doing it, even after he had to get her from the hospital because of the beatings that resulted.

#5. “Just needed to tell someone”

Grandma was sitting in her chair, watching me play video games.

Not sure what triggered it, but she turns to me and says:

“When I was very young, I left my house in the middle of the night, and the old french man that lived at the end of our block took me into his basement and raped me. Nine months later when I gave birth, my mother and my doctor took the baby from me and smothered it.”

I didn’t really know what to say. I put the controller down, hugged her, told her I was sorry and sat there in silence with her.

She said she didn’t want to talk about it any further and just needed to tell someone.

#6. The Disappearing Aunt

I have a Great Aunt that one day just disappeared off the face of the planet. I believe this was in the 1940’s or 50’s around the Portland area, and she was in her mid twenties.

Never had any problems with her family, was a bright and happy girl, and then suddenly never came home from from work one day. The family had no idea where she went or why she would run away, so they all assumed she was either kidnapped or died somewhere never to be seen again.

Flash forward 5 years, and her brother is in Chicago on business.

He leaves the office he was for the day and sees her just walking down the street.

He calls her name to make sure he’s not just seeing things, and low and behold she turns around and sees him. He stops her, asks “What the hell?” and she proceeds to dodge questions.

She then invites him to the apartment she had been living at, promising that she’ll explain everything, and they head there.

As soon as they get there, brother starts firing the questions at her.

She tells him to give her just a minute, she’s going downstairs to the shop across the street to buy some cigarettes, because this is all a huge shock to her as well. Brother, for some reason, decides to let her go alone.

She never came back and was never seen again.

We still have no idea what happened.

#7. Incest

My aunt caught her husband having s*x with his mother in the bathtub after she came home from work.

Needless to say, immediate divorce.

#8. “Bloccare la porta”

Once, our small three-person family in East Boston got robbed. Someone broke in, and the main thing they took was my grandmother’s prized jewelry from Italy.

I am young, possibly less than ten years old, watching my italian grandfather have an exchange with the police. He politely declines all their offers to help.

He makes a couple of calls once they leave. Shortly, the phone rings, and my grandfather answers. He speaks Italian, I don’t understand it. Then, he goes and gives my grandmother a kiss and heads out the door.

He said a certain phrase when he hung up the phone. In those days I would imitate the sensational dialect pronunciations of my family’s italian words and the closing thing grandpa said stuck with me, so I was blurting it out like a brat, not realizing the situation that had occurred with the police and the jewelry.

I was saying, “blow-calla-por,” over and over again until finally it dawned on me this was a new phrase I’d never heard.

So, I asked Grandma what it meant.

She told me, “Lock the door.”

So, years later my mother explained the significance of this story by telling me that a friend of Grandpa’s had called him and told him that two guys were trying to hock Grandma’s jewelry at a local Italian cafe.

And, the last thing my grandfather said to those guys on the phone was a heavily dialect-drawled version of “bloccare la porta.”

“Lock the door.”

I don’t know what he did, but he came back with all the missing jewelry fifteen minutes or so later.

#9. How He Really Died

We never told my 90 year old aunt how her son REALLY died.

She thinks it was a heart attack, when he really hung himself in a jail cell following a DUI.

#10. The Days of Future-Past…

My great great grandmother’s niece died while on “a surprise trip to see a relative in another state”.

She actually got blood-poisoning from my great great grandmother giving her an at-home abortion.

True story.

#11. Late-Night MySpace

Before my parents split up, I found out that they were swingers.

I was around 13 at the time, and my mom left up her computer when she went to bed that night, so I got excited, because you know, late night MySpace.

Anyway, when I got on, I saw that there was a pictures tab open, so I clicked on it, and guess what I found?!

A video of my mom and dad f**king “family friends.”

Then, I realized that whenever me and my family went and stayed all night at these people houses, it was so they could go at it, and I could watch TV in their living rooms.

#12. “Neigh means neigh”

I’m related, by marriage, to a man who got caught f**king horses.

He even went to jail over it.

Neigh means neigh!

It’s my husband’s uncle.

No, I didn’t marry the horse-f**ker.

#13. The Plant-Fairy

20-30 years ago, there was a thief in the town my family lived in. The person would break in and steal anything valuable plus their plants.

Yes plants.

This goes on for a few months, and my family starts noticing my uncle is giving away a lot of random plants to family members.

Somebody found a stash of house plants in his house, and that was the final straw.

Turns out my uncle was into some weird drugs at the time, and he would break into places while high and steal plants…

Then, he’d wake up the next day with a house full of plants and try to give them away.

#14. “Half-sibling, half-cousins”

My grandmother got out of her bad relationship by running away with her husband’s brother.

So, some of my dad’s siblings are half-sibling, half-cousins.

#15. Street Adoption

My mom is not my mom.

My real mom apparently died of an overdose when I was 6 weeks old, and I was found by someone coming to collect money from her.

His girlfriend got mad at him for taking a child…

I don’t know all the details of how my “mom” ended up with me, but she went back to Arizona a year later and told everyone in her family she got pregnant while traveling with her band and didn’t know who the dad was.

#16. Another “Adoption”

My mom was apparently “adopted” through the Catholic Church.

We honestly all thought that my grandma who adopted her just donated enough money that the church found her a orphan from South America.

My mom was pretty resentful over that till she died.

I think now my mom really was a black market baby from the 1950s.

#17. The Cover

After my mom died, my dad was plastered and told me that my mom was married before she met my dad.

My dad was in a gay relationship when they met. His boyfriend left him suddenly, and he married my mom shortly after her divorce.

They raised us strongly Catholic, so finding this out was a huge WTF moment.

#18. Hungry for Truth

My cousin ate my grandpa.

She was a toddler, and we were all spreading his ashes across the family farm.

When it got to her, she did what toddlers do and grabbed a handful and just started chomping down.

It was pretty funny to me as an 8 year old, but we aren’t allowed to tell her about it.

She’s now 19, and I’m DYING to let her know.

#19. Secret Brother

When I was seventeen, my father broke down and told me he had fathered another child 16 months before I was born with a woman who was not my mother and that everyone in my family knew about it except me.

My brother was solely raised by his mother, and my dad didn’t even meet his son until he was 13 years old, all while raising me with my mom in what seemed to be a totally normal marriage.

And yeah, even my mom knew about it.

Basically she and my dad came to an agreement: that if he had nothing to do with his son and the other woman, they could make things work.

My grandparents would hide the pictures of my brother when we’d visit for the holidays; I mean EVERYONE knew.

I’ve always felt some guilt being the kid my father chose…

But fortunately, my brother and I are very close, and my dad and brother have been forming a solid relationship over the past few years.

Well… that was a wild ride! WHOA!

Which of these stories really shocked you?

Let us know in the comments!