Couples are weird. Not only was that my working title for this article, but it’s also an objective truth. After living with another person for enough time – especially with a person you get all up on in a romantic sort of way – certain habits start to develop. Weird habits. Things you’d never do with anyone else, and that you’d prefer no one know about. After all, you live together, and you’ve got to keep things interesting and fun – and weird is definitely fun. If you don’t believe me, just check out these AskReddit users’ answers to the question: “What things do you do with your S.O. that you’d never want another person to witness?”
My girlfriend likes to play koala, where I lay on my stomach and she wraps herself around me and yells koala once she feels she is securely locked on. Then I try to break free.
#2. What’s with all this sitting on each other?
My SO has me sit on top of him topless and let my breasts dangle over his face. He pulls them over his eyes and says “boobie goggles.” Sometimes I’ll move one out of the way and it becomes a boobie monocle. I don’t know how this started.
#3. Butt wait… there’s more!
When my boyfriend and I shower together, we do a ritual butt-dance. We rub our butts together in an up and down and then side to side fashion and exclaim we’re married.
#4. Well, that’s not bad.
When I get pretend-mad and we’re naked, I climb on top of him and swing my boobs back and forth so they hit his face. We call it… Boob-ing.
#5. Somebody had to fuck a drunk Mitt Romney?! Ewwww
On the day of the election me and my gf wore Romney and Obama masks respectively, the person wearing the loser of the election had to keep the mask on during sex. Also had to down 6 beers.
An ex-boyfriend and I once ate chips and salsa off each other’s privates. We called it a “Screaming Tortilla.” We were ragingly drunk, and the risk of accidentally biting was both hilarious and sexy.
#7. Double wut?
Sometimes when I leave the bedroom after sex, he’ll steal a pair of my underwear, hide them somewhere, and when accused will say “but it’s my friend.”
I have one nose hair that grows to mutant length, like it starts far far back in my nose and by the time it grows to the point I can pull it, it is longer and thicker than my eyebrow hair.
So naturally when I pull this sucker out, I proceed to try and stick it back up my SO’s nose.
Sometimes when me and my girlfriend are in the car driving somewhere, we’ll harmonize and sing songs together. Sounds normal right?
The strange part is we do it all in meows, like a cat. Same rhythm and melody, just meows and reers in replace of the lyrics.
Its so stupid and embarrassing, but I love every minute of it.
She’s the only person who allows me to do embarrassing or stupid, or immature things with no reserve. Her presence makes the silly things seem right, and that type of enabling is pure love and acceptance to me. I think thats what all of these posts here are about. Couples taking part in mutual absurdity just because you love each other so much, its not really absurd or restricted anymore, its just another way of enjoying each other.
My fiancé and I will randomly look at each other lovingly and make wookie sounds. We call it our mating call. Also his penis’s name is Sargent pepper and his balls are the lonely hearts club band.
My ex and I pretended to be dinosaurs a lot, lots of arms t-rexxin and weird noises. It wasn’t all that different from the sex, now that I think about it.
My boyfriend makes our stuffed animals (Mr. Reindeer, Mr. Bear, etc) talk on a regular basis. Each one has a different voice. They generally act stupid and at times say sexually inappropriate things to me. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes it gets annoying but it’s our thing. I can’t imagine any normal person understanding this behavior at all.
#13. Emergency groping
My husband (a manly-man firefighter) sometimes ties a towel around his neck after showers and runs around saying he’s “Naked Man” and then gropes me vigorously.
We run around the house naked making animal sounds sometimes. It’s not sexual, we just do.
#15. A cut above
My boyfriend has three scars from a surgery that look like little centipedes. I have given them all names and backstories about their bug lives.
#16. Splash down!
If I’m washing my hands and my husband starts tickling me, I’ll splash handfuls of water onto him and it turns into a huge watery mess by the time we declare truce.
When we’re in the car, one of us will reach over to hold the other’s hand, but instead of it being romantic, we will start to imitate our hands having sex with each other through humping motions, finishing with jerky hand twitches.
My girlfriend very often will bite random parts of me (usually my arms or hands), while going “Angangangang” in rhythm with the pressure of her teeth. I do the same back – it’s a show of affection for us.
#19. Do this!
Sometimes, when we’re kissing, we just leave our lips pressed against each other with our mouths open like a romantic pair of donuts.
We have a secret handshake. The last part we pretend to shoot guns at each other and then give a little nod. I should mention, we’re 32 years old.
#21. Gentle weeping?
When my boyfriend is grumpy I jump on him and hold his legs in the air. I like to add gentle weeping. He cracks up every time.
My husband does this thing where he grabs and massages the top of my head (in a motion similar to a claw machine) then flattens his hand out suddenly. Then he says, “It was a brain sucker and it starved to death.” Silly, should be offensive, but always makes me laugh.
#23. The right way to have belly injections
My husband requires injections into his abdomen twice a day. He hates it, for obvious reasons, so to make it slightly more pleasant I decided to give them to him topless. He pretends to be really scared and hold onto my breasts. I am an RN and I would DIE of embarrassment if any of my colleagues and his physicians knew THAT was the reason he always says I give the best injections.
#24. Oh boy…
All our sexual organs have their own personalities/voices. For example, I speak daily to his penis and his little brother testicles (who have MIT degrees btw), and my boyfriend does their voices when I talk to them. Also, all our body parts are all in a polygamous relationship with each other (i.e. his penis and my vagina are married, but his penis always gets it on with my mouth and butt, etc).
#25. What the hell is wrong with these people?!
Me and my ex-boyfriend used to create a seal over the others nose with our mouth, and blow into it, forcing air through their nose and out of their mouth. It was miserable, and kind of turned into a punishment after a while. Also it would occasionally result in a bloody nose…
My girlfriend and I will often act out the fight scenes in kung fu movies.
This usually entails us jumping on the bed and throwing punches in stuff. This devolves into grappling, which later devolves to making out and lots of sex.
#27. Oh no. Oh no no no…
My gf hunts in my bellybutton for fluff every night when we get into bed. While she’s rooting around in there I yell out stuff about how I’m not a piece of meat and need to be romanced.
#28. No. Just no.
I guess all I have is my girlfriend holds my penis while I pee sometimes, in a completely non sexual way. Also her aim is terrible.
He stands at the other side of the room like an angry bull ready to charge. He makes horns with his hands, and paws the ground with his feet ready to lunge. I become the matador, waving my pretend red flag and ready to accept the challenge.
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