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30 People Share Their Favorite Jokes

What’s your favorite joke?

I’m talking about the one that you break out at parties and when you’re hammered at the bar?

AskReddit users shared what they think is the funniest joke they know, so let’s see how yours measure up.

Go ahead and share yours in the comments.

1. This is pretty good.

“I recently got caught mas**rbating to a National Geographic magazine.

I don’t know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist.”

2. Old Paddy.

“Old Paddy is at the bar and he’s in one of his drink until everything is forgotten stages.

The bartender [a good friend] continually tells him he’s had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares “I’m going home”, promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, “Paddy, you were drunk last night weren’t you?”. Paddy replies, “Yes, but I didn’t think I was that drunk, how did you know?”. To which the bartender replies, “You left your wheelchair at the bar”.”

3. LOLz.

“A magician was walking down the street.

Then he turned into a grocery store.”

4. You’re still doing it!

“My friends think I’m really condescending.

That means I talk down to people.”

5. Blew a seal.

“A penguin was driving along through the desert when his car broke down. He got it towed to a garage.

The mechanic told him that there is a couple of people ahead of him and it might take some time.

So the penguin goes across the street to a corner store and gets himself a vanilla ice cream cone. He eats it outside, but it’s hot, and all he has are those little flippers. He ends up getting vanilla ice cream all over his face, chest, and even on his feet.

He waddles back to the garage, wishing he had hands or, failing that, napkins. The mechanic sees him coming and walks over.

“Looks like you blew a seal,” he said.

“No, no! It’s just ice cream!””

6. A timeless classic.

“A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says “Hey, we have a drink named after you.”

The grasshopper says “YOU HAVE A DRINK NAMED STEVE?””

7. Poor rabbit.

“A bear and a rabbit are taking a s**t in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, “Excuse me, do you ever have any problems with s**t sticking to your fur?” and the rabbit says, “No,” so the bear wipes his a** with the rabbit.”

8. REVENGE.

“A man walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a Johnnie Walker Black and the bartender says “That’ll be three cents.”

The man replies “Only 3 cents?! Amazing! Well then how much for a filet mignon and a baked potato?”

The bartender tells him “10 cents.”

“10 cents?! And a piece of chocolate cake for dessert?”

“2 cents.” says the barkeep.

Astonished, the man asks “Say, where’s your boss? Does he know about all this?”

And the bartender says “He’s upstairs with my wife.”

“What’s he doing with your wife?”

“Same thing I’m doing to his business.””

9. Ouch…

“When I d**, I’d like to go quietly and in my sleep, like my grandfather.

Not yelling and screaming like his passengers.”

10. Stop doing that!

“So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like “you have GOT to stop masturbating!” and I was like “oh no Doc! Why?!?”

And he said “because I’m trying to examine you!””

11. Get it?!?!

“How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Microwave it until it’s Bill Withers.”

12. Think about that one.

“Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the P is silent.”

13. I love a good cannibal joke.

“One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, “if you do what we say, we wont k**l you”. so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.

So the cannibals said, “go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see”.

So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, “put the apples up your a** without making a facial expression”. The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals k**led him.

The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. the cannibals said, “put the cherries up your a** without making a facial expression”. The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they k**led him.

In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries “why did you start laughing?”. The person replied, “i saw the third person come out with pineapples.” “

14. Can he see alright?

“Little Johnny’s neighbor had a baby.

Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby.’ The mother said, ‘Why, thank you, Johnny. Johnny said, ‘He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?’

‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.’

‘That’s great’, said Little Johnny,’coz he’d be f**ked if he needed glasses’. “

15. Captain Bravo.

“Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies.

One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, ”Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock Bravo led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, they was victorious over the two ships.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs and one of them asked the captain, ”Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied, ”If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.”

All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man as Captain Bravo.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirates ships approaching from the horizon. The first mate asked, “Shall I bring your red shirt?”

Captain Bravo calmly replied, ”No. Get me my brown pants.” “

16. At the Pearly Gates.

“A man and his girlfriend d** in a car accident and meet Peter at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “Welcome to Heaven, do you have any questions?”

To which the man replies, “Yes, my girlfriend and I never had a chance to get married while we were alive. Can we get married in Heaven?”

Peter says, “That’s a good question, I will be back when I have the answer.”

Left at the gates, the couple begins to talk about love and how long eternity is. 6 weeks later, Peter returns and says, “OK, I’ve found your answer. Yes, you can get married in Heaven. So come right in and enjoy eternity together.”

The couple responds by saying, “We have another question. Eternity is a very long time and we are not sure if our relationship will last. If things don’t work out, can we get a divorce in Heaven?”

To which Peter replies, “F**king Christ! It took me 6 weeks to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!”

17. Hey o!

“I just got a call from a charity asking me if I wanted to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to f**k off. Anyone who fits into my clothes isn’t starving.”

18. After a moment of silence…

“A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied…. “Get your own f**king blanket.”

After a moment of silence,… he farted.”

19. Some Canadian humor.

“A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some a**hole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really!” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada!”

The boy replied, “No s**t??? Who did she play for?” “

20. What the F was that?

“An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. “I’ve got you a job,” says his agent.

“That’s great,” says the actor, what is it?”

“Well,” says his agent, “it’s a one-liner”

“That’s okay,” replies the actor, “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?”

“Hark, I hear the cannons roar” says the agent.

“I love it” says the actor “When’s the audition?”

“Wednesday” says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: “Hark, I hear the cannons roar”. “Brilliant,” says the director, “you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening.”

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; “Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar.”

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. “Who the hell are you?” asks the guard. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.” “If you’re “hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!”

So he runs up to makeup. “Who the hell are you” asks the makeup girl. “I’m “hark I hear the cannons roar.”” “If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar”, you’re late. Sit down here.” And she applies the makeup. “Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on.”

He dashes down to the stage. “Who the hell are you?” asks the stage manager. “I’m “hark, I hear the cannons roar.”” “You’re “hark, I hear the cannons roar?” Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up.”

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts “WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?” “

21. I’ll get my hat!

“An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you got there?” to which the boy replies, “It’s duct tape, I’m gonna go catch me some ducks.” The old man laughs and he calls out, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape!” The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can’t believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he’s got this time, the boy replies, “It’s a spool of chicken wire, I’m going to catch some chickens in it.” Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” The boy laughs himself, and says back, “That’s what you said about the duct tape,” and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy.

A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can’t believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, “Hey son, what you go there today?” The boy responds, “It’s a pussy willow.” The man then replies, “Hang on son, I’ll get my hat!” “

22. Read it twice if you must.

“An old lady in front of me at the ATM asked me to help her check her balance.

So I pushed her over.”

23. An old classic.

“Guy walks into a bar and says, “Quick, give me three Martinis!”

The bartender gives him the the drinks and the guy quickly gulps them down.

He says, “Give me three more!”

The bartender pours the martinis and says, “What’s the occasion?”

The guy slams the next three drinks and says, “My first blowjob.”

The bartender says, “Well, in that case, I’ll treat you to the next round. Want another martini?”

Guy says, “No thanks; if six martinis won’t get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will.”

24. Borderline blasphemy.

“Two nuns are riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome.

One says breathlessly, “I’ve never come this way before!” to which the other replies, “It’s the cobblestones.”

25. Some blue humor.

“What did the egg say to the boiling water?

It’s gonna take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.”

26. Sad, but very funny.

“A man goes to his doctor because he isn’t feeling well.

The doctor tells him “I have bad news, you have Cancer, and Alzheimer’s Disease.”

The man says “Well at least I don’t have Cancer.” “

27. I LOL’d at this.

“Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse.

As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, “Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?”

Mickey responds, “No, I didn’t say she was crazy, I said she was f**king Goofy!”

28. Kind of amazing.

“The people of Dubai don’t get to watch The Flintstones but the people of Abu Dhabi Do.”

29. Let’s hit the beach!

“A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says: “You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”

The guy says OK, and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses. He pulls the guy over and demands: “I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”

The guy replies: “I did … today I’m taking them to the beach!” “

30. Let’s end with this one.

“An Irishman walks out of a bar.”

Oh snap! Getting a dig in on the Irish is pretty easy… and somehow not at all racist? Hmmm… I’ll have to think about that.

What were your favorite jokes? Let us know in the comments! Or drop us one of your own.