When you want to make finding true love the most cringey and difficult a process as unnecessarily possible, you take a page from 90 Day Fiance star David’s playbook and set your sights on a complete stranger half-way across the world.
Reality television personalities David and Lana’s relationship can probably best be described as a catfish on a platter, doused in kerosene and then set on fire for our viewing pleasure.
Below are the highlights (and lowlights if we’re honest) of their…love?
(Also major spoilers ahead, so if you’re saving up the whole season to binge watch, then be warned.)
I’ll start with one of the latest events in their on-again, off-again love affair.
David shared a clip from a bowling date, his first, with Lana. “Bowling with Lana,” he writes….
“I fooled around for the first 3 frames to try to show Lana how to curve the ball from gutter to gutter. With 7 frames left it was time to earn kisses. A single strike was a kiss in the lips instead of the cheek. 2 in a row was a 5 second kiss. Scored 4 strikes in the next 7 frames. Hard to do with a 15-pound house ball drilled for a gorilla. Only strategy is to throw hard and straight.”
Sweet, right? But how did we get here?
This is David who lives in Las Vegas. He is 60 years old and lookin’ for love.
So, he did what any abnormal man would do and took a gamble to be a cast member on the romantic show, 90 Day Fiance, so every detail could be consumed by a quasi-sympathetic audience that might be roused enough to root for him.
This is Lana who lives in Ukraine. She is 27 years old and we’re not sure what she’s does. But, we’re pretty sure she was excited about being on American TV…at first.
According to David, they’ve been dating for seven years and spend hours a day talking. Sounds romantic. The miles may separate them, but love knows no distance.
Cringey Fact #1: Lana charges David to talk to her by the minute.
David estimates he’s paid her about a $100,000 over their courtship for these chats.
Question: How’s a girl get that kind of gig? Set up a Patreon? I think people would pay me not to talk, but I digress.
Cringey Fact #2: Oddly, they don’t actually talk. They don’t speak each other’s languages. Their chats mainly consist of David watching her smile.
Seriously, is Patreon the best way to go? Because, there’s also Paypal and Stripe.
Just spitballing here.
Cringey Fact #3: David doesn’t have her phone number because he believes she’s too shy to give it to him.
Yeah, she calls him.
Cringey Fact #4: David has made the trip to Ukraine to meet her before, but he was unsuccessful in hunting her down.
His first visit, she stood him up, probably because of the shyness.
The second time, her brother died.
The third time, she had a medical emergency.
The fourth time she was too overwhelmed, which is code for she ran out of excuses.
But David bets his fifth trek will be aaa-mazing.
And he was right!
This time, she does show up. She is bee-yoo-ti-full.
David gushes until Lana is visibly uncomfortable and looking around for her ride.
But she’s really nice and polite as she meets her boyfriend of seven years for the first time.
David pulls up his translation app as she tells him what she’s feeling in her heart.
To put her at ease, David grabs her into a big hug…
…smells her and makes yum-yum noises.
Lana feels like this physical meeting is worth $100,000.
And, although he tried to rock the leather trenchie, it failed to impress the lovely Lana.
I think this photo says it all.
David has made it clear to 90 Day Fiance viewers that his ultimate goal is to marry Lana. When show host, Shaun Robinson, asked about wedding plans, David says due to visa issues and immigration bans, they don’t have wedding plans yet. But, he is planning to retire and move to Ukraine so they can be together all the time.
Lana, on the other hand, feels like she doesn’t want to be on the show anymore.
Can’t imagine why.