I’m pretty sure that you’re on the same page as me right about now, but I need some laughter in my life.
It’s been an excruciatingly long year and we all deserve to blow off some steam, don’t you think?
Yay! I thought you’d agree with me!
What’s the best joke you know?
Let’s get funny with some folks on AskReddit!
1. Not bad.
“A lot of people tell me I’ve got an addiction to brake fluid.
The truth is I can stop at any time.”
2. Classic!
“A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
Bartender: “Hey, you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
Pirate: “Arr. It’s driving me nuts.”
3. Oh, Superman.
“Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
When the first man turns to the other and says “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window”.
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen. “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, I’ll prove it again,” says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not.” the second guy says, “It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.”
4. Classy.
“What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.”
5. Nice and short.
“Why do SCUBA divers fall out of the boat backwards?
Because if they fell forwards they’d still be in the boat.”
6. Whoa!
“Not mine, but I think it belongs to my favourite ones.
“Doctor, will I be ok?”
“I don’t know, Mercury is in Uranus right now”
“I don’t do astronomy Doc”
“Me neither, my thermometer just broke.”
7. Hey o!
“I was in the office today and the cleaning lady asked if I wanted to smoke weed with her after work.
I turned her down. I don’t really like high maintenance women.”
8. A good cheese joke.
“Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded?
De brie was everywhere.”
9. Edgy.
“Two nuns were sitting on a park bench when a naked man runs by…
One of the nuns had a stroke, the other couldn’t reach…”
10. Zing!
“I mixed up the words jacuzzi and yakuza.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese Mafia…”
11. Dad joke.
“A man goes to a funeral.
He asks the widow if he could say a word. He goes to the front and says “Plethora” and sits back down.
The widow leans over and whispers “Thanks, that means a lot.””
12. Bread in captivity.
“I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage.
I asked the zookeeper about it, and he told me it was bread in captivity.”
13. Here’s a long one.
“This reminds me of the man who was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before.
The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night; he tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.” In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change.
Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is apprehensive; his life’s wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound……But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.”
How about you?
What do you think your favorite joke is of all time?
Please share it with us in the comments. Thanks!
