Trending Now
You know those years that are REALLY rough for all of us? Yeah, we just had one of those. So I think it’s about time we laughed, don’t you?
I had a feeling that you’d agree with me!
And we’re gonna accomplish that today through some hilarious jokes from complete strangers who were nice enough to post some funny business online for us.
AskReddit users shared their favorite jokes. Enjoy!
1. Got him!
“A trucker is on a long haul drive when he sees a lawyer standing at the side of the road trying to hitchhike.
Naturally, the trucker drifts gently over and clips the lawyer with his bumper, sending the guy rolling into the ditch.
A few miles later he sees a priest standing at the side of the road trying to hitchhike.
Naturally he drifts over to a stop – and gives the priest a ride.
Yet a few miles later, they see a local politician standing at the side of the road trying to hitchhike.
Naturally, the trucker starts to drift over to clip the politician, but as he gets close, he considers his immortal soul, and swerves away at the last moment.
He looks over at the priest and says “I’m sorry father, I don’t know what I was thinking!”
The priest replies “Don’t worry my son, I got him with the door.””
2. Zing!
“What do you call a dog with steel balls and no hind legs?
Sparky.”
3. Dad joke alert!
“Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.”
4. For the language lovers out there.
“I bought the worst thesaurus the other day.
Not only was it terrible, it was also terrible!”
5. Loves the metal.
“Two windmills are standing in a field when one asks “what’s your favorite type of music?”
The other says “I’m a big metal fan”.”
6. Oh, boy…
“How do you spot a blind man in a nudist camp?
It’s not hard.”
7. Wow.
“What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.”
8. Football humor.
“Three football fans are walking down the street to head to a bar; a Bengals fan, a Browns and a Steelers fan. As they get near the entrance to the bar they notice something over in the bushes.
It’s a rather attractive but very much dead woman, laying face up, and completely nude.
They call the police and are told to wait there. While they are waiting, out of respect for the dignity of the deceased, the Browns fan takes his hat off and covers her right breast. The Bengals fan takes note and follows likewise, taking off his hat and covering the woman’s left breast.
The Steelers fan, feeling a little pressure, reluctantly takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
Once the police arrive on-scene they question the men and begin their examination of the crime scene.
The officer lifts the Browns hat, jots down some notes, and puts it back. The officer does the same thing with the Bengals hat. When he gets to the Steelers hat he lifts it, looks perplexed, takes some notes, lifts it again and takes even more notes.
A deep look of being completely surprised and bemused crosses the officer’s face. He does this three more times, lifting up the steelers hat and looking more and more confused and perplexed.
The Steeler fan gets anxious so he says, “Hey why do you keep looking under my hat?”
The policeman looks to him and says, “It’s just very odd, I’ve only ever found *ssholes under a Steelers hat.””
9. A pub joke.
“A man is sitting at his favorite pub, for the millionth time, ordering beer after beer and talking with the bartender. Before he realizes it, he’s had way too many to the point where he throws up on himself.
“Oh f*ck”, he says, “my wife is going to absolutely kill me. She’s already upset with how often I drink, and now look. I’ve gone and done it again and thrown up on myself”.
“Nah” the bartender replies. “Here’s what you do. Take a $20 bill out of your wallet, out it in your shirt pocket, then tell your wife some other *sshole at the bar got so drunk he threw up on you, and gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned”
“Brilliant!” The old guy reaches into his wallet and puts cash into his shirt pocket. He thinks this plan is so good that he can afford to sit at the bar a bit longer and have a few more beers.
He stays until bar close then stumbles home where he finds his wife waiting for him the second he opens the door. She immediately yells at him, “where the hell have you been!? At the bar again, and you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt!”
“No no no honey,” the old man says with slurred words. “Some other jerk got so drunk he puked on my shirt. Look, he gave me twenty dollars to get my shirt cleaned” and he hands her the cash from his pocket.
“Well then why is there $40 here, you idiot?” she asks.
“Oh, well yeah…he sh*t in my pants too”.”
10. Ouch…
“I was walking down the street and I see a sad-looking kid sitting on the side of the road.
So I ask him, “Hey kid, are you an orphan?”
With a look of surprise he says “yYah, what gave me away?”
“Your parents.”
11. Genie in a bottle.
“3 guys are walking down a street and find a lamp. They rub it and sure enough a genie pops out. they each get 3 wishes.
The first guys wants a beautiful wife and poof, a gorgeous woman appears next to him. The second guy wishes to be irresistible to every woman. The first guys wife starts walking his way. The third guy asks for one of his arms to rotate clockwise for ever. Sure enough it starts rotating.
Second round, first guy wishes for a million bucks, second guy wishes for infinite money, third guy wishes for his other arm to rotate counter-clock wise forever.
last round, first guy wishes he was younger, second guys wishes for eternal youth, and the last guy wishes to dance non stop.
10 years go by and they go to a mutual friends party. The first guy sees the other two and they start talking about how their life has changed since the wishes. He tells him how he is very happy, he has a successful business, a lovely wife and things couldn’t be greater.
The second guy says that he’s retired, travels and sleeps with woman all over the world. The third guy looks at them with his arms swinging all over the place as he dances and says, “guys…I think I f*cked up”.”
12. I see what you did there!
“Two old men were comparing their powers of memory.
The first old man said, “My memory is so good, I can remember my first birthday party.”
The second old man answers, “well, my memory is so good I can remember going to a party with my dad and coming home with my mom.”.”
13. Wait for it…
“There was this man in Bulgaria who drove trains for a living. He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but one person had died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew, and smoke filled the air – but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. Somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow managed to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal: three bananas.
“You know what? No,” said the executioner. “I’ve had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I’m not giving you a thing to eat;I dont know what the bananas do to help you stay alive but we’re strapping you in and doing this now.”
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room – and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said, “Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I’m just a bad conductor.””
What do you think is your favorite joke?
Share it with us in the comments!
We’d love to hear from you!
