It’s a pretty safe bet that to assume that if you’re reading this article, you’ve flown in a plane before. And if you haven’t, well… don’t read this. Because you probably won’t want to fly after reading it.

Let’s depart!

1. Are you ready?

I was cabin crew for five years – long haul only – and whilst we’ve all passed the exams and tests and blah blah blah and we have a refresher course every year, you never really know how anyone will react in any kind of emergency until it happens. Do you?

Firemen and police are tested on a weekly basis, but in the five years I was crew, there was nothing I personally experienced that put any of the proper training into use, and I’d like to think I would not freeze or fall to pieces, but you just never know.

So definitely pay a bit of attention for the three minutes of the safety demo and figure out where the nearest exit and its alternative are, because you never know. You might end up having to help yourself.

2. Good to know…

In the event of a situation where passengers have to cover their heads you should not ‘lock’ your fingers over your head.

Instead, place one hand on top of the other. That way, if something falls on your hand/head, you’ll still have one good hand to use.

3. Poof!

Yes, on trans-oceanic flights there is a cabin for crew to get some sleep. No, you won’t be invited in for fun times. On some newer planes there’s also a hold for people who have died on the flight. No, you won’t be invited in for fun times either.

If you piss off the cabin crew they will fart on you. The pressure on aircraft makes you naturally gassy and it’s easy to puff one off in the face of an annoying git while bending down to speak to someone on the opposite side of the aisle.

If a meal service is on offer go for the kosher option, so you know it was prepared that day.

4. Yeah, we all knew this…

You might be surprised at how frequently delays are actually caused by flight attendants not showing up and the airline scrambling to get a back-up scheduled. Like a flight attendant was partying too hard last night and decided to call off 2 hours before that $1500 cross ocean flight you just popped on.

Flight attendants are often hungover or “out of it” on flights. Even though pay is pretty, the unions make it very hard to get fired.

5. Defective

I just started working for an airline. Newsflash: the airplane you’re flying on is probably defective in some way.

Obviously if it’s not safe, the aircraft wont take off. But there’s always something wrong with an airplane it undergoes so much stress that it can’t possibly be maintained to a perfect degree.

6. “Fluid”

I work on the ramp. We send full bodies on planes a lot. Some in caskets, some not.

Twice in the 7 years I’ve been doing this “fluid” has leaked out of the boxes the bodies were in and got all over people’s luggage.

7. Drink. Drank. Drunk.

You get drunk quicker on board due to the air pressure (or something) and we don’t tolerate drunken bullcrap.

It’s not a bar; you don’t just get thrown out by the bouncer. You get off-loaded and possibly even black listed.

If you’re clearly loaded before we’ve even taken off, then chances are you’re not going to be going anywhere.