Kids say the funniest things, don’t they? I swear, if I could walk around with a tape recorder all day just following my nephews and nieces around, I’d end up with straight up comedy gold.
The way kids process information and make sense of the world is often uniquely hilarious, which is why we’ve rounded up some the best examples of kid logic from Reddit. Enjoy!
1. Don’t disappoint the Lord
Kid: Does God live everywhere? Even in my stomach?
Adult: Uh..I guess God exists in your stomach, sure.
Kid: God wants a banana.
My daughter told me she should have a princess bed because I have a queen [my wife].
3. Burying the lede
My dad once answered the door to two little girls from the neighborhood (probably about 8 and 9 years old) and they were breathing really heavy.
Girl, clearly panicking: Ummm, ummmm, have you seen Tangled??
My dad: …nooo?
Girl, pauses as she processes this new development: “Well, there’s a part where they have these paper lanterns that fly and there’s one in your tree and IT’S ON FIRE.”
Luckily it had already gone out and caused zero damage, but I still laugh at the fact that their opening line was “Tangled” and not “FIRE”
4. So innocent
My brother learned about MLK recently. He doesn’t understand race though. He has light skin so he assumes that means he’s white. My dad has dark skin so he assumes my dad is black. We’re Mexican.
5. That’s not how this works…
Kid: When I grow up I’m going to marry Mommy.
His Mom: You can’t marry mommy because you can’t marry a family member.
Kid: (thinking) Then how did you marry Daddy?
6. Now I’m a believer
While discussing Hotel Transylvania, kid says “I know vampires aren’t real but if they are real won’t they get mad if I don’t believe in them?”
7. Easter Mommy
When my son was about 4 the neighbor kid told him, “Your mom hides the Easter eggs, stupid.” My son was thrilled and bragged to all the kids at preschool, “My mom is the Easter Bunny and she’s going to bring you a bunch of candy!”
8. New dog
My ex’s daughter found a stray cat and was so excited to show it off. One of my friends came over and she said, “Look at my new dog! She’s a cat!
9. Best. Initiation. EVER.
I overheard some kids playing while I was on my porch one night. There were a group of 3 kids playing together, when a fourth kid approached them and asked “can I play with you guys?”
The group of kids eye each other before one kid steps forward and logically proclaims “you can only play with us if you swear!”
The new kid smiles and yells “BOOBS” at the top of his lungs and then they all commenced playing together. I was crying from laughing so hard.
10. Got the hookup
For context: I used to live in a primarily black neighborhood and was one of only a handful of white people in the area.
I’m out walking my roommate’s husky/malamute cross (who resembles nothing so much as a Direwolf) when I see two boys about 6-7 playing in a fenced in yard across the street from me. I wave. They immediately stop playing and run over to the fence.
Kid 1: THATS A WOLF!! LOOK! SHES GOT A WOLF!
Kid 2: where’d she even get one??
Kid 1 looks at him with what I can only describe as complete disdain in his expression. He’s clearly disappointed that his friend could be so stupid. In a tone that was dripping with condescension, he goes, “She’s -white-. They got the hookup on wolves.”
11. He’s got all the answers
Me: where does milk come from?
Nephew: cows, duh
Me: what about chocolate milk?
Nephew: from brown cows
Me: strawberry milk?
Nephew: from strawberry cows Me: what about banana milk?
Nephew: from bananas
12. The onion collection
From my then 4-year old daughter: “Why do they call them ‘onion rings’? They should be called ‘onion bracelets’.”
13. Too cute
Not mine but a friends kid. Walking around local supermarket and kid sees (what I presume is for the first time) a person in a wheelchair.
Kid gets super excited, shouting to his dad, “DADDY, LOOK THAT MANS A CAR!”
My 5yr old neighbor rang my doorbell. I opened the door and he said: “Mom says I shouldn’t ask for cookies”.
Clever little dude. Got him a cookie.
15. How disappointing
My son was excited to start school and learn to read just like his big brother. So first day is over and I ask him how it went. He started crying, I’m like oh no baby what’s wrong?
Son: I didn’t learn to read yet. He thought he would instantly know how just from starting school, he was so bloody disappointed. I couldn’t stop laughing.
16. Future politician
Me: Do you know what a lie is?
6-year-old: It’s when you say something that isn’t true, and you get caught.
I feel a career in politics beckons…
17. A lesson in biology
When my sister was little she saw a boy pee. So, next time she had to go, she stood in front of the toilet, dropped her pants, and tried to do the same except obviously it just went straight down. Then she ran to mom/dad very afraid and said that the neighbors dog must have bit hers off, and asked if they could make her a new one
18. The struggle is real
“I went to school yesterday (first day), why do I need to go again?”
19. Is that why they’re called “the twins?”
My cousin believed that when you’re pregnant, the baby’s body lives in the bump and the baby’s head is inside your boob. When asked why ladies have two boobies then, she instantly replied ‘In case it’s twins, silly!’
20. No more strays
When I was very pregnant with my son, a little girl (maybe 5 or 6) came up to my husband and i and very sternly said, “Are you married?” We said we were and she goes, “Good. Because if you arent married, you get to keep that baby but then you have to get spay-ded and neutered because we dont need anymore strays.”
21. It’s the law
“You have to kiss your wife at your wedding even if you don’t want to or you’ll get arrested.”
22. Mind = blown
If we pour the milk into the cereal bag we save time later.
23. Create your own solutions
We have a reward chart that gives our 3 year old stickers for being good and bad.
He asked for a cartoon before bed, I looked at the chart and saw there were no good stickers for today. He has a massive tantrum, and chucks his cup of milk on the floor.
I calm him down. I see a spark go off in his head. He runs in the kitchen, then runs out with the roll of paper towels. “If I clean this up, will you give me a good sticker?”
24. Umm… ok?
From a kindergartner: “Girls have long hair so they can cry and blow their nose into it.”
I was applying to work at a coffee shop at my friend’s house filling out the application online. I asked my friend if I could use him as a reference, and if I should put “friend” or “employer” or something else. When all of a sudden, his little brother (age 7 I believe) asked me “Why do they (job) need to know who your best friend is? shouldn’t all they know is ‘Can you make coffee?’ ‘When can you make coffee?’”
26. Keep an eye on that one…
As part of their routine physicals I always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up.
Kid (probably age 5-6, I can’t quite remember): I want to be a doctor.
Me: That’s very nice. It’s fun being a doctor.
Kid: Well if I’m a doctor I’ll be rich. If I’m rich I can buy a car. And then I can hit my brother with the car and run him over.
27. Well played
My now adult niece when she was little… “I can count to 10”
Me- “Ok, show me”
Niece proceeds to count to 10.
Me- “Ok, can you do that backwards?”
Niece – “Yeah.. thats easy”
Niece proceeds to turn around and face the other way and count to 10…
Kid: How old are you?
Kid: Wow, you’re old you’re almost dead! That’s funny!
29. Pretty legit
Teaching numbers 1-100. “Why is it eleven and not oney-one?” I didn’t have a good answer.
30. If only it worked like that
Are you out of money? Go to the Dollar Store to get more dollars.
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