That was an accident!
I don’t know how that got there!
Where am I?
Doctors hear all kinds of bogus excuses and stories, particularly when it comes to things that ARE STUCK IN SOMEONE’S ASS.
And yes, these things apparently happen all the time.
Are you ready to be entertained?
Let’s take a look at these stories from folks on AskReddit.
1. OH MY GOD.
“A college friend who is an OR nurse said the best thing she ever witnessed was a small snow globe with the message “World’s Greatest Dad” on the inside.”
2. Love triangle.
“Saw someone with a remote control stuck way up in their colon. She said she was “getting herself ready,” for anal sex with her boyfriend and then it got stuck.
The kicker was that she showed up to the hospital with her boyfriend AND her husband in tow!”
“My ex is a ER nurse.
One night she sent me a pic of her computer of what she was working on. 16yo male brought in by his mother. Shoved a sausage up his ass and “lost” it. Imagine the embarrassment of telling mom … hey mom. I lost a sausage in my ass. Can you take me to the ER.
4. Come on, buddy…
“Had one guy tell me he slipped on a banana peel and landed on the upright vase on the floor.
He then proceeded to produce a banana peel for good measure.”
5. Holy sh*t.
“When I was a student working in an ER a guy came in with an unraveled wire hanger stuck and hooked up there.
He said he was trying to fish out the vibrator he lost.”
“Guy came in with a cordless phone up his ass, like one of the old-school ones from 15 years ago.
He said that when he was in the kitchen bending over opening the oven door, someone threw it through his open window and it just went right up.”
7. An accident.
“It always boils down to the person “accidentally” sat on it.
The best my dad saw – a former emergency doctor – was a young guy who “accidentally” sat on a giant tub of vaseline. Accidentally.
I asked how doctors record that in their patient files, and the common way to do so is to say “the patient claims to have sat on x object.””
8. Don’t do that anymore, sir.
“Had this elderly guy come in with a cucumber up there. First month of residency, so my attending asks why did you put that up there? Guy, dead normal, says “well it was just like every Tuesday. I woke up, made some coffee, and sat on a cucumber.”
Stifling laughter my attending just said, “sir you shouldn’t do that anymore.”
He says “ok.” We removed it and never saw him again.”
9. That’s messed up.
“ER nurse: “I tried to dig something out of my ass with a BBQ skewer.”
Skewer got stuck. Ripped a hole in his intestines. He waited so long to come in he was septic. One STAT OR visit and an ICU stay later, “please don’t call my mom”.
Guy was tripping hard on LSD.”
10. Still telling jokes!
“Guy puts a vibrator (one of the massive cordless wand types) waaaaay up there, like a mega seed, and it gets sucked into the sigmoid colon.
When he gets to me in the ER I ask him how he was feeling. He answered, “well doc, I’m way better since the batteries died.”
Made my night.”
11. Honestly is the best policy.
“”I stuck it up there on purpose and now it’s stuck. Please help”
It was a perfectly honest and valid reason for have something stuck up your ass, and we helped. No further questions needed.”
12. I went to investigate.
“Presented at ER in Sydney with carrot stuck in the arse. Doctor: “What happened?”
Patient: ” I heard a noise in the garden. Went to investigate. Slipped and fell over. Carrot went up my bum.”
Doctor: “Carrots grow upside-down out your way huh?””
13. Naked gardening.
“Mostly bottles or vegetables. The aubergine was the biggest but potatoes and carrots seem to be popular.
Ketchup, mayo and glass cola bottles were common at one point. Also one butt plug and a toilet brush.
The last two were honest and very distraught. Others all had naked gardening stories.
There’s an even worse question you haven’t asked which is for things people have shoved up their urethras, only men in my experience.”
Okay, now it’s your turn!
In the comments, tell us about some embarrassing medical stories that either happened to you or that you know about.
Please and thank you!