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One Black Woman Asks the Internet Why Black Men Give Her Trouble About a Preference for White Men

Life can get tricky sometimes, and we all have tough questions about the way the world works – at at least, how it can seem to look from our points of view.

When it comes to dating, it’s best if people mind their own business. That said, it doesn’t always happen.

I’m a black girl who mostly dates white guys. Why do black men get upset when they see me out with a white man? I see black men with white women all the time and I don’t think anything of it. from NoStupidQuestions

This Black woman prefers to date white men, but feels as if she’s being judged by Black men about her choices. She’s curious why – and these 15 people are willing to weigh in.

15. It’s not everyone.

I’m a walking talking white stereotype. My black wife and I are very happy. Our respective families love us very much and have long since moved past any prejudice that might have existed.

Don’t ever disqualify yourself from asking out someone you like. They might be worrying about the same thing.

14. It’s all about control.

To be honest, I think it’s about some weird sense of ownership – almost like a tribe mentality that’s gone off the rails into something dark. And that can sometimes get tied in with a depressing sense of inferiority that’s been placed on black people for centuries.

For reference, I’m a black woman who’s married to a white man. Before we were together, I mostly dated white guys.

In my experience, the only people who’ve ever had a problem with that have fallen into two categories: racist white people who think I’m garbage and want me to stay with “my kind” instead of bringing down my partner’s station in life (as an in-law so eloquently stated to me once). Or racist black people who think I’m acting like I think I’m “too good” for black men.

Of the latter, I find it’s often black guys but it’s also some black women. I think their explanations for it come from a really dark and depressing place that reflects the history of race in America. I’ve had some tell me I should only be with black men because so many white people already see black people as less desirable. So that in my choosing to be with someone else, I’m discriminating against my own people.

Another argument I’ve heard is that white men have historically taken advantage of others and often in the form of forced marriage or sexual assault with women of other cultures. I had some jerk who was trying to pick me up at a bar tell me I was making a mistake by allowing a white man to “claim” me. That gross interaction has stayed with me all this time later because I sat there looking a brother in the eyes and having him degrade me like that just because I wasn’t going to sleep with him.

The whole idea doesn’t make sense. But from what I can understand, the people who are loudest about this have some really rough feelings about race and have internalized them instead of trying to work out their own prejudices and enlightening themselves. It’s sort of like a racism towards white people that internalized into a devaluing of self. If that makes sense.

These are such sad ways to look at life. Because it just creates more prejudice and implies that as black women, we’re still not free to make our own choices. Only in this context, it’s “our people” trying to own us.

13. History.

I’m just like you my dear. I’m a black girl and I date outside my race.

For some black men, a white woman is like the ultimate prize, even though they want you to only be with black men. A lot of black see white women as a trophy, like once they come up, it’s all about white women and that’s terrible as well.

I have my own feelings about that considering the history of it all, but we like what we like.

12. Try to be happy.

Crazy how hard it is to find someone who shares your beliefs and values, is willing to grow with you through the ups and downs, and ultimately tries to better both of your lives and there are people whose reaction is “yea but…different color”

Just be happy. You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of other people’s poor experiences.

11. It takes time to change.

The answer to this is because white woman since slavery have been seen as socially more valuable than black women.

It’s the same thing as why white men are the most preferred statically in interracial dating they’re seen as the wealthiest and most powerful. Also self hate is a thing.

10. A human issue.

I think it’s more jealousy, feelings of inadequacy, and prejudice coupled with tribalism than a subconscious/primal view of relationships as the man “owning” the woman. Reacting poorly to our feelings and experiences is something all people need deal with.

I believe the reason you are stumped is because you are looking at this as a sex issue when it is a human issue. While men tend to be more comfortable with open/public acts of aggression, I’ve seen numerous women attack other women for simply talking to “their man” or more often attack “their man” for associating with other women.

Regardless of the reason anyone may ascribe as to why people act this way I think we can agree that it is, as most human interaction is, a complex multi-faceted issue.

9. Maybe they don’t know the reason.

I’m white and my wife is black and we have two mixed boys. My sister in law only dates white guys as well. I have been called names, threatened and she has been treated poorly by her own race because of it. The people doing it never give a reason but not once in 5 years has a white person ever said anything negative. My family welcomed her with open arms and her family wants nothing to do with her.

People of her own race constantly say things like “you talk like a white person” and “you act like a white person” and she explains it a certain way, which I am honestly scared to type out because I’m scared people will call me a racist. But here is what MY WIFE WHO IS BLACK says about what is happening to her (as well as this is echoed by her sister)

They don’t date black men because of how they view that they treat women. They date white people because in their eyes white people are overall less racist than black males. They both view white men as less violent and more trusting. She has been called a race traitor more than once.

Now (I’m not bragging here) My wife and her sister are extremely attractive and her brother has told them that you can’t “ruin” the race by taking good genes and giving them to the “white race”.

This might be completely unbelievable but I was with my wife on a bus in New Haven and we were holding hands, this is when we were dating. I was the only white person on the bus and this lady, who had to be in her 40’s, started to nudge the back of my legs (I was standing and she was sitting) and calling me a cracker and calling her an Uncle Tom type. Most of the people on the bus got in on it and I was ripped apart and so was she. We stood and said nothing and then they told me when we got off the bus they were going to stab me. The bus driver pretended not to hear it but was on the phone with 911 and had them meet us at the stop at the mall. I was lucky.

I’m sorry that in this day and age anyone cares who anyone is with. Our two boys are soooo handsome. Mixed children have beautiful skin tone. My wife isn’t black she’s just, her. You’re not black, you are whoever you are. Skin color doesn’t matter what matters is what is inside you. Love who you love and damn anyone tells you different. No matter their skin color.

8. Try to show them love.

White South African here. I was brought up to understand that interracial relationships and gay relationships was wrong, and against the will of God. It took me a long time to overcome my indoctrination but I think I’ve figured it out.

If you find love that is real…embrace it. Do not judge a person by the color of his\her skin, but by his/her words, and his /her actions. Accept different cultures, but question their believes if it restricts your freedom.

Don’t rely on some elusive God to grant your wishes. Seek strength within yourself to overcome. This is our greatest gift, to be independent. Try to extend your love your idiot neighbours.

7. It’s all about family.

I am a white guy married to a black woman. We’re in the UK and in London, so probably not quite as racist as some parts of the UK (or indeed parts of the US).

However, the only racism I have encountered is from black guys, towards me mainly.

I’ll get teeth being sucked at me when we’re out holding hands, and I get the stink eye from black guys frequently.

My wife, bless her, doesn’t notice 90% of it.

However, I do and my punching hand itches.

The worst was when we’re out and about in Brixton and I nearly got in a fight… it would not have ended well for me…

I’ve never had any hassle from white guys, although maybe I just don’t notice it!

I love her family, they love me and my family love her and our kids.

6. Sad and twisted indeed.

I’m a white Aussie and I think the first time I realized this was a thing, and not uncommon was when I saw Get Out. It’s such a sad, twisted little quirk. Just baffles me people can be so hateful. The sad thing is, I suppose I can sorta see why some people might think along these lines.

America has had such… horrible times in their history (sadly even now at times). Not that it’s unique to the US. But I can see why some people might be uncomfortable with some things considering some shit that’s happened.

Not that it justifies anything. It’s a sad thing all round.

5. It could be a competition.

Alright I am a half black guy who looks far more black than white and I think I might have some real answers. To preface, many of the black ladies in my life have dated white men and I’m totally fine with it.

In my experience when some black men date white women they kind of see it as stealing from the white men. Obviously this isn’t always the case, but I think the guys who get upset over black women dating white men are subconsciously or consciously viewing the whole situation as a racial competition among men. They think when a black guy dates a white girl he’s overcoming centuries of history, but if the roles are reversed it’s just white domination continuing.

Again, I really really really don’t believe in that kind of thought. If you really care about somebody or just find them attractive, go for it.

4. Tribalism.

Jealousy, racism and an ‘us and them’ mentality.

3. The simplest explanation is usually correct.

Racism.

2. She’s not alone in her experience.

I just talked about this with a biracial girl who posted that the black side of her family got upset when she dated white guys. I feel like I see white girls with black his all the time but not the other way around.

So much so that if I’m attracted to a black girl I’m unlikely to express interest because I feel like black girls aren’t interested in white guys. She felt that that was generally how her black friends and family felt.

I don’t understand the double standard either.

1. Sexist and racist.

It seems to be a fairly common sexist thing.

Plenty of white dudes get angry when they see white women with black or Asian guys, even if they themselves only date black or Asian women.

It doesn’t really make sense.

I appreciate the conversation that’s happening here.

If you have something to add, drop your thoughts in the comments!