No matter what side of the political aisle you may be on, a joke is a joke. And these political jokes are some of the best we have ever heard.

Get ready to agree, disagree, and just plain laugh out loud st some of the inquisitive political commentaries.

1. Because they stink

Diapers and politicians should be changed often both for the same reason. – Mark Twain.

2. Ouch

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

3. Proud indeed

Monday was President’s Day. I asked my granddaughter if she knew what holiday it was. “President’s Day!” she said. She’s a bright kid. So I asked her what President’s Day meant, expecting to hear about George Washington and Abraham Lincoln. “On President’s Day,” she replied, “the President steps out on the front porch of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we get four more years of bull!”

I’m so proud of her.

4. What’s the difference?

Here’s a classic:

What’s the difference between a politician and a catfish?

One’s a bottom-dwelling scum-sucker, and the other one is a fish.

5. That’s good

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil

Well, he says, I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me. The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me. The Chicago contractor doesnt measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, $2,700. The official, incredulous, says, You didnt even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure? The Chicago contractor whispers back, $1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence. Done! replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

6. Huh?

“In capitalism, man exploits man. In communism, it’s the other way around.”

Jon Pennington

7. Political career

“He knows nothing and he thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.” – George Bernard Shaw

8. Seven years

In a prison, two inmates are comparing notes. “What did they arrest you for?” asks the first. “Was it a political or common crime?”

“Of course it was political. I’m a plumber. They summoned me to the district Party committee to fix the sewage pipes. I looked and said, ‘Hey, the entire system needs to be replaced.’ So they gave me seven years.”

Vivien Cai

9. Light ’em up!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the road outside Parliament.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks,”What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped all the politicians, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom, otherwise, they’re going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, collecting donations”.

“How much is everyone giving, on an average?” the driver asks…

The man replies, “Roughly 2 litres.”

Abhijeet Gaikwad

10. Give it to him

A man turns the corner and suddenly finds himself being held at gunpoint.

Thief: Give me all your money!

Man: You can’t do this to me! I’m a powerful politician.

Thief: In that case, give me MY money!

Prashant Singh

11. OOOOOO

Q: Whats the difference between a magician and a politician?

A: The magician returns your watch at the end of the performance.

12. Change it up

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. Doug Larson

13. Community service

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

14. Inside the walls

“The difference between a caucus and a cactus is that with the cactus the pricks are on the outside.” – Mo Udall

15. Yours vs. mine

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Las Vegas the drunks gamble with their money whereas in Washington the drunks gamble with our money.

16. Before AND after

Good old Soviet jokes:

Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech.

A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.

Vivien Cai

17. Too accurate

Politics, n: Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites”. Larry Hardiman.

18. Wow

While walking down the street one day, a Political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

”Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. ”Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

”No problem, just let me in.” says the Politician.

”Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

”Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Politician.

”I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts the Politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Politician, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

”Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the Politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

”Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers:

”Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Politician and lays an arm on his neck.

”I don’t understand,” stammers the Politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ”Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”

Mohit Arora

19. I think that’s how it works?

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

20. Deathbed

On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I cant believe youre doing this. said his friend. For your entire life youre been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because Id rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.

21. Repetitive

Suppose you are an idiot. And suppose you are a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. – Mark Twain

h/t: Knowable

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