Should People Deal With Their Own Traumas So Others Don’t Have to Deal With Them? Folks Shared Their Thoughts.

Man, the title of this article sounds a little harsh, huh…?

But, I guess some people out there just aren’t in the mood to act as consolers to their friends and family members who have been through some serious things in life.

Do people need to deal with the traumas in their lives so others don’t have to worry about them?

AskReddit users shared their thoughts.

1. You’re responsible.

“Nobody is responsible for your traumas.

If someone says/does something unknowingly triggering, let them know nicely. If you lash out at them rudely, be prepared to get put in your place.

It’s about how you approach the situation.”

2. My policy.

“I have a life policy about people like this: I’m willing to be as accommodating to people’s mental/emotional troubles as they are willing to put in the effort to help themselves.

It sounds like she’s not been doing much of anything to get help for her trauma, and if she’s not willing to get help, then you shouldn’t be responsible for her well-being.”

3. Triggered.

“A buddy of mine brought his wife over to watch the game with us, this is like 2016, so WAY before covid.

We’re cheering, yelling, drinking, and generally having a good time.

His wife pulls me aside in the kitchen to let me know that “men yelling” triggers her, and asks that I make everyone be quiet.

I told her that was not going to happen, we’re gonna cheer for our teams and yell at the refs, and if she wants to watch the game in silence, she’s more than welcome to watch it at home.

When she got home, she posted a huge Facebook rant about how “people” need to be more respectful of her condition and her triggers.”

4. Least cost avoider.

“So in law (and economics), the concept of “least cost avoider” is relevant here.

Whenever there is a dispute between one party and another and it’s not clear who is actually at fault, it’s useful to keep in mind that the reason there’s a dispute is because the two groups are somehow connected.

One of them could have avoided it more easily than the other and so, in many circumstances, the party that could have most easily avoided is the one who is found “at fault” for causing the dispute.

This person was clearly the least cost avoider. She could have just left or, knowing about her triggers ahead of time, just not come in the first place.”

5. Speaking from experience.

“I have PTSD from a childhood s**ual assault.

I don’t expect anything special from anyone. The only time I’ve ever brought it up to someone in person was to my new boss a few years back.

Because she gets way up in ppls personal space, hovering and leaning over them and physically moving them. I finally told her I needed her to stop and I didn’t even tell her why until she pushed.

But usually, I can just adjust me. I’m one person. It’s ridiculous to expect a bunch of other people to adjust to you. “

6. Depends…

“It depends wildly on the issue and the circumstance.

If someone is afraid of dogs, sure I’ll put the dog away if I want them to visit. But I’m not going to ask the administrators of the dog show to put away the dogs so someone can enjoy the dog show without those pesky dogs.

And if we’re going to a park where dogs are allowed, that person with a dog problem is going to have to make a decision. Deal with the fact that someone might show up with their dog and has every right to do so, or don’t go. And dogs are a relatively mild one.

I’ve seen people say that clapping and cheering scares them at football games. If you can’t be outside with normal people that’s understandable, but it also means you need to go the f**k home if you can’t handle it.”

7. People aren’t mind readers.

“Once upon a time, I was making preparations to get a dog.

Before getting one, however, I sat down with my roommates and checked with all of them to make sure they were all 100% ok with me having a dog, since my decision would affect them too.

I made it explicitly clear that they could talk to me about it privately if they had any objections, and that if it was going to cause problems, I absolutely would not get a dog.

Everybody told me they were fine with it, even expressed they were excited to have a dog in the apartment, so I went ahead and, a few weeks later, brought home my dog.

And then one roommate starts avoiding me, glaring at me in passing, whispering to our other roommates behind my back, etc. I had taken full responsibility for my dog—he was quiet in his kennel when I was away, I took care of everything for him and never once asked my roommates to do my job for me, etc. She had not been asked or expected to have anything to do with him unless she wanted to.

After this escalated for several weeks, I finally confronted her and asked what the deal was. Apparently she’d lost a family dog years ago and still wasn’t over it, and so she didn’t like being around other dogs because they were a “painful reminder.”

Well why didn’t you tell me this months ago before I got the dog?! Wtf do you want me to do about it now that I have him??

People aren’t mind readers, don’t expect them to be.”

8. Be respectful.

“Same goes for pronouns. If I make a mistake, tell me nicely.

If you don’t tell me nicely and choose to be a d**k about it, I will spite you, because I naturally have a little bit of respect for everyone until they do something that makes them undeserving of it, like being disrespectful to me.”

9. Doing your best.

“I will happily go out of my way to make other people comfortable, and I will apologize for making mistakes.

But it’s not my job or my responsibility to think of every possible way someone can possibly be triggered. I’ll avoid the most probable subjects with people I don’t know, but ultimately it’s on the other person to navigate life how they will.

Just because I hold myself to a specific standard doesn’t mean everyone else does and I don’t expect them to. People shouldn’t expect the world to conform to them.”

10. That’s it.

“So one of my triggers for some of my trauma is the smell of ci**rette smoke. I can’t be around a cigarette without instantly feeling nauseated and wanting to cry.

My S.O. Had a party this past weekend and one of his friends and his girlfriend smokes quite a bit, but it doesn’t bother anyone else. My boyfriend knows that I have trouble with the smell of smoke, so the second someone would whip one out, I would come up with some excuse to go inside for a few minutes.

He would also start coming up with excuses for me so that I knew that he understood. It got to the point where I was going inside every 20 or so minutes when everyone had been drinking more and my S.O. Decided that we should all just go inside so that I didn’t have to be around all the smoke and he could still spend time with me and all his friends. It was great! But it’s my trauma that I need to deal with, not him.

He shouldn’t have to ask his friends to stop smoking so that I would be more comfortable. When that time comes up that I feel that way, I know I need to excuse myself and the best way for him to support me is to understand that I need to leave.

That’s it”

11. Wow.

“I have a family member whose daughter was m**dered by her boyfriend.

It was horrible and of course the trial took years. I can only guess the toll that must take emotionally and even then I’m probably not even close. Myself and others did everything we could to help and support her.

She was a difficult person before the m**der. Loud, opinionated, pushy, getting into personal business, etc. Not intolerable but difficult. Many of her difficult (for me) opinions are around modern medicine and Big Pharma, vaccines, blah, blah, blah. Fine, difference of opinion.

Well, it’s been four years since the m**der and two since the trial ended. She refused counseling through victim’s assistance and will not see a counselor or therapist. Instead she does therapeutic yoga or some bulls**t and brags on social media about how despite her trauma, she has not had to touch a psychiatric medication.

But meanwhile, she is absolutely horrendous to people due to being “triggered”. I mean awful. Nasty messages to distant cousins for posting about watching “Making of a M**derer”. Screaming at people during family gatherings because the location was near a place her daughter used to live.

Dragging her husband and their entire camping setup off the mountain, hours away from home, all the while throwing a crying, screaming baby fit about being triggered. No one knows what that was to this day. I’ve been on the receiving end due to a quote that had nothing to do with m**der or close to it but she was again, triggered.

After this last incident, I’m done. She won’t get help and it’s just an excuse for sh**ty, a**sive behavior. The first year, sure. The way she expressed her PTSD from the incident was not appropriate at all but hey, her daughter was just m**dered. That is a lot. But after years of her refusing to get help, no.

No longer my responsibility as a sympathetic and empathetic person to manage this for her. I’ve stopped even offering anything beyond recognizing the anniversary of her death and her birthday because it feels like enabling. The new thing lately is to respond to anything with how “there is no way anyone who hasn’t lived it could understand” anyway, so f**k it. I’m out.

I obviously don’t say certain things around her and if I’m watching a m**der documentary and want to chat about it on social media I block her from the post etc. I’m not a clueless or insensitive person. No one on the receiving end of this a**se is.

There is a point where it is your responsibility to deal with the trauma. The world will not manage this for you. You don’t get to hurt people because of it. In a way I’m very sad for her. It’s no way to live, always looking for the tiniest hint of disrespect for the way your daughter d**d.

Feeling like everyone is pushing you away, because they are. Deep down I’m sure she wants people around who remember her daughter and I’m not sure who is going to be left.

If you catch yourself constantly being triggered, counseling or therapy needs to be set up ASAP. Because yeah, people could use some education on trauma, trauma response and how not to be a sh**ty human being by saying hurtful things but when it comes down to it no one can change what’s going on inside you except you.”

Now it’s your turn.

In the comments, tell us what you think about this.

We can’t wait to hear from you!