There’s nothing funnier than people giving voice to your pets’ inner monologues, which means these 15 Reddit replies are pure gold.
#15. You must reply or face the consequences.
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“If my parrot asks “what are you doing?” Anyone in the immediate vicinity must respond with what they’re doing. He will throw a tantrum he doesn’t get an answer.”
#14. Full access.
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“No closed doors. She screams at any door which blocks her path inside the house.”
#13. Perhaps it’s because you named her Potato.
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“Our idiot cat, Potato, is a spoiled princess who won’t eat her food unless someone picks her up and gently sets her in front of her bowl.”
“My boyfriend encourages and enables this behavior, to the point where now, if you put food in her dish, she won’t even look at it unless she’s carried over.”
#12. You don’t mess with someone’s poo schedule.
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“My girlfriend’s dog has to be let out in the morning to go, and then again 45 minutes later to take a shit.”
“She is incapable of doing them at the same time.”
#11. Sweetest rule.
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“If I sneeze, my cat will meow softly and walk over to me and pat me on my face until I pick him up and tell him don’t worry, it was only a sneeze.”
#10. Booty smacking required.
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“If my dog stands in front of you, looks back, and puts her butt near you, you must smack the booty.”
#9. She never takes a sick day.
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“One of our cats likes to be the one to wake my stepdaughter up for school every morning.”
“We have a routine: I get up and go to the bathroom, brush my teeth and hair, and then go let Kiki into my stepdaughter’s room. She runs to her bed and lays down on top of her, nuzzles around for her face and nibbles on her eyebrows to wake her up. We have to do this every morning.”
#8. You know the drill.
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“When brushing my teeth, I must leave the faucet on while I brush so my cat can drink from the bathroom sink.”
“If I don’t, I get screamed at in the form of very loud meows.”
#7. It’s the simple things.
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“Whenever someone gets ice cubes from the fridge, they have to give one to my kitten to play with.”
“He bolts towards the fridge any time he hears the ice dispenser because he’s so stoked about getting another ice cube.”
#6. Don’t even try resetting the clocks.
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“My Russian tortoise needs to be fed every morning by 9:30. If I don’t wake up by then, he’ll scratch his wooden house very loudly and obnoxiously until he sees or hears me getting up from bed.”
#5. Better than fiber.
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“When my 14-year-old grandma kitty is constipated, she needs me to watch her poop.”
“She’ll do these real deep meows and won’t stop until I follow her to the litter box where she sits in the middle and tries to poop. We keep eye contact the entire time. If I look away, she stops trying to poop and does the deep meows again.”
#4. You have to pay the toll, my sweet.
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“We call it ‘paying the toll.’ Our doxie will instantly steal your spot if you get up to go to the bathroom or something, and she won’t move until you’ve sufficiently rubbed the belly. So to get your seat back, you have to pay the toll!”
#3. That’s the rule.
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“If Gizmo places his paw gently upon human’s foot, human must pick him up. If human does not pick him up, Gizmo is allowed to bite big toe.”
#2. He makes the rules, you break them at your own peril.
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“If my Maine coon stares at you silently, he must he picked up and held or you WILL be tripped the moment you try to walk.”
#1. A social life is important.
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“There is no truer love than that of a grumpy man and the dog he said he didn’t want. So every day, at exactly 4 p.m., my dog lets my dad know that it’s time for walkies. Off they trundle to the local dog park, where my dog has her little doggie play dates.”
My dog doesn’t have an inner monologue that doesn’t include petmepetmepetmewhereareyougoingpetme.
