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Despite being motionless & next to a catflap, this is not something that the cat dragged in. Nor is it a narcoleptic child who was waiting for to intercept a secret Amazon purchase they made using my card details. This is a prime illustration of the power toddlers possess to sleep literally anywhere. Thanks to copious amounts of fresh West country air, grandparent led activities designed to wear out glucose drenched children & a 10 minute tantrum over lunch that no one paid attention to, Ottie finally succumbed to the overriding need to inspect the inside of her eye lids on the mat by the back door. I found her like this mid meal when I became concerned the shouting had tapered off. Sometimes, a nap is quite simply the best option, wherever you might find yourself – something us adults could do with! #nap #tantrumnap #gaveupthefight #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Apr 16, 2019 at 12:34pm PDT

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There are times that my children are so unresponse to my commands that particularly lethargic sloths would call them slow. It's at these moments (usually when we're trying to nail a mudane activity like getting dressed or going to bed) I find myself concocting a one off game to stir them from their dormant state (like this double horsey ride I do to the sound of black beauty every freaking morning to get the twins somewhere near clothes), only to find i executed it so well that I immediately regret it as I know this will now become ingrained in my repertoire & demanded of me again & again. I just hope I don't I end up like a comedian who had one joke they were famous for & dined out on for a while, but then were forced to repeat said joke from the rest of their miserable lives until the day they were found crying in their dressing room repeating over and over again "I am more than a single punch line!" What have you started but now can't stop for fear destroying the routine? #doitagaindaddy #morethanaonetrickpony #ididittoowell #anythingtogetthemmoving #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod #twinlife #twins

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Apr 2, 2019 at 12:56pm PDT

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Our house is fast becoming a commune for dolls that have cast aside the constraints of clothing & embraced their natural form in all its glory. In other words, it's a plastic nudist camp. I have drawers literally full of fake people rocking all sorts vaginas and penis's, ranging from limbless pound shop dolls with smooth under carriages all the way up to these rather detailed, anatomically correct ones that love nothing more than letting it all hang free, and I for one am tired of having a penis pushed it my face at bed time (there's a sentence I never thought I say). Through hosting this 'celebration of the flesh' I've also learnt that girls think Willie's are hands down, THE most hilarious thing on the planet, which is just great for me. Do boys find vaginas funny? Not that I'm aware. So why is our manhood worth more laughs than a sellout comedy gig? I'm off to get surgery to make myself completely smooth so the laughing will stop. #plasticnudistcamp #willyintheface #dontlaughatit #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Feb 5, 2019 at 12:39pm PST

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Birthdays parties are one of few times in your life can legitimately make it all about you without feeling guilty. To shamelessly get your way and to soak up the attention showered up on you from all directions – perfect both for 3 year old and 36 year olds who haven't grown up yet (i.e. me). But what happens if you to share that day with someone who's a mirror image of you and loves nothing more than following you around like a shadow in a heatwave? The answer – a competition to take centre stage – the eventual winner (Ottilie) then led a dance to a seemingly never ending loop of baby shark while the loser (Delilah) clinged me in the kitchen as I make crustless ham sandwiches Picture 3 tells the whole story in one shot! I guess twin like can be hard sometimes. Fyi @mother_of_daughters will kill me for this picture because of "all the chins" but she looks great and I rarely get all my girls in one shot, so suck it up Clemmie, you're beautiful from all angles. Photos by @rebeccadouglasphotography and me! #itsmypartyandillcryifiwanto #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #howdidtheyjustturn3 #instadad #fod #party

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Jan 21, 2019 at 12:45pm PST

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Toddlers: When you actually want them, they vanish like farts in the force 9 tornado, but when they're actually supposed to hide, like in last night's game of hide and seek, the result is a less than challenging game. It therefore fell to me to turn out an oscar winning performance in which I played a man that's so visually impaired, I apparently couldn't find 2 children hidden in plain sight behind their own hands 1 metre in front of me. Thus followed a long drawn out seen of looking in places that are physically impossible to hide in like bins, amongst the hair clips or in drawers while talking loudly & walking around like a dramatic overweight giant with particularly heavy shoes on who's angry about something. This was played out a sound track of stifled giggling and whispered chants of "I'm here!" – I know you are, I'm a metre away and I'm starring right at you! PJs are from @green.monkeys before you ask! #lowgradehiding #hideandseekforbeginners #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Dec 21, 2018 at 12:01am PST

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Either Delilah is using the fridge to conduct climate simulation training for a nursery day trip up the north face of the Eiger that I don't remember signing the consent form for or I've just caught the person responsible of foot prints in the butter & the constant vanishing of yoghurts, frankfurters, grapes, blueberries and cheese strings. This also explains why she always had a cold stomach and looks permanently guilty. Note to all fridge designers – I need a decent fridge lock and shelves that can't be used and steps. Anyone got any bright ideas to stop the human fridge magnets that doesn't involve gaffer tape? #coldweathertrainingsimulator #ohnoitsafridge #thisexplainsalot #gaffertapeperhaps #humanfridgemagnet #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Dec 7, 2018 at 12:44pm PST

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Autumn is the time of the year that Mother Nature really pulls out all the stops and puts on a display that humans can only dream of rivalling, but to experience it in all it's technicolor goodness, we have to overcome the gravitational pull of the screens. That's why we've decided to get out of the house at every opportunity over the last couple of weekends to remind our girls that if you want high resolution images of nature that aren't a screensaver, you need to go explore. We got family membership to the @woodlandtrust who helped us find some fantastic local woodlands and, despite arguments in the car, when we arrived and issued them with their Nature Detective packs (see stories), we were privileged enough to see a transformation that rivals the changing of the autumnal leaves – Our children remembered how to be children again. Climbing trees, looking for bugs, kicking leaves, splashing in puddles and making masterpieces – they basically ticked off the whole 'how to spot a child' check list! Forget Neverland, just go to the woods! get membership before December 12th to get your kids packs before Christmas #ad #ifyougodowntothewoodstoday #rememberinghowtobeachild #treegazing #allmygirls #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 29, 2018 at 12:11pm PST

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Gin and tonic mix well. Hangovers and children that raid the dressing up box, insist on putting on an loud amateur dramatics production at God awful o'clock while shoving Calpol in my face, don't. I swear they have built in radar that pick up adult headaches as they only reserve this type of morning activity for days when we've had friends over for dinner the night before. It probably didn't help that I drank a tad too much, fell asleep In front of the TV with a beer in hand when I was supposed to be doing the Washing up, woke up at 3.38am (beer still in hand & not spilt) to infommericals for strange kitchen products being sold by over caffeinated orange skinned Americans & promptly crawled, fully clothed, into the spare bedroom to avoid waking Clemmie by dropping everything out of pockets in the dark (which I know she just loves). Today has been a long slow day…. #adultheadache #whenwillilearn #calpolwonthelpme #fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Nov 17, 2018 at 12:35pm PST

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As a guy, no one warns you that when you have daughters, you're going to spend a good proportion of your future dealing with hair related issues. Growing up, the most my parents had to deal with was when I dumped an entire bottle of peroxide in my hair, turning it thr colour of the rising sun & burning my scalp like forgotten bacon in the process. But when you combine the facts that we have more hair in our house than a cousin IT convention, and that our girls have follicles with have no grip, you end up living with clogged drains, balls of hair placed around the house, nit epidemics, meals with a side helping of hair, endless brushing & plaiting (usually accompanied by screaming), hair brushes that are more hair than brush, vaccum cleaners that no longer work thanks to being bound with wads of the stuff and so many hair products that I'm now close to being forced to keep my sad little collection of out of date toiletries in a bag that hangs out the window. I'm strongly considering just shaving their heads in their sleep but realise they just end up looking like a bunch of juvenile offenders. #Haireverywhere #shavethekids #challengesofbeingsurroundedbywomen #hairalldaylong #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 30, 2018 at 2:08pm PDT

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#ad – Sundays are for tip trips, roast dinners, trashing the house, arguing, putting the house back together, making up, life admin & strictly come dancing results. I could have been unicycling around the room naked whilst singing toto – Africa and juggling clemmie's grandmother's fine China and they wouldn't have noticed as all my girls sunk into our new @loafhome sofa, eyes transfixed on the box in the corner of the room. Clemmie even allowed the girls (and her self) to see off a drink while snuggled up as, thanks to the clever velvet material, liquid runs off it – something we wouldn't have dared to do previously in this room for fear of raising clemmie's anxiety levels. I have zero interest in strictly so if anyone needs me I'll be practicing my plate juggling in the garden, I doubt I'll be missed as apparently I'm inivisible when strictly on. #loafershomes #strictlyaddicts #invisibletotounicycleplatejuggling #sundaylovein #roomforalittleone #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Oct 28, 2018 at 2:05pm PDT

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How many times have you said these words when preparing dinner "this is not a restaurant!" – well it turns out that's exactly what I've creating while turning the utility room into a makeshift kitchen. They sit in a line, make food vanish like an overweight magician who keeps eating his props & despite it taking 15 minutes to round them to get to here, they finish & suddenly disperse in all directions in less time than it takes me to secretly scoff the remnants of clemmie's mint aero in the other room. What's left – a messy floor, 4 plates of varying levels of leftovers (which I'll finish) and a sense of failure that my children have the social graces of an anti-social hippo who thinks the world owes him a favour – A thank you would be nice! Where did all the manners go? #hippomanners #ilovemondays #thisisntarestuarantohwaititis #mannerscostnothing #fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Sep 17, 2018 at 12:52pm PDT

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I seriously believe that all parents suffer from some form of mild Stockholm syndrome. Depsite being oppressed & forced to work a servant to our pint sized captures, like a free buffet lunch, we always come back for more. This is especially true when I go away for work. The first day I embrace my freedom & revel in that rarest of commodities – silence. But within 48 hours I strangely miss being yelled at & forced to clear up other people's poo and start to really pine for home. In my mind I would return to 4 perfect children who would greet me with open arms & proclaim their lives were incomplete in my absense. The reality was 50% of my girls acknowledged my return & within 5 minutes my tired jet lagged body had been transformed into fleshy climbing apparatus while i listened to a list of things that broke while I was away & now needed fixing. I don't think Anya even knows I went away as she's now permanently hard wired into Fortnite! I sure they missed me but it still amazes me how quickly normality is resumed! #institutionalised #parentingstockholmsyndrome #givemeachance #likeineverleft #jetlag #Fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad #fod

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Jul 20, 2018 at 12:47pm PDT

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Did anyone else get the memo to inform all parents that its international opposites day today? No? Me neither but Apparently all children have been informed it's totally ok to do the exact opposite of what all overbearing full grown humans tell them to do. Case in point – this evening's Bathtime – I said "please stop splashing! mummy will kill me when I forget to tidy this up later". What they heard was "please go ahead & start up a toddler induced wave machine the scale of which could be used to test war ships, soak the floor & then flail about like a confined depressed killer whale which will eventually eat it's trainer". Turns out it's fine though as the water has now drained through the cracks in the floor boards & has seeped through the ceiling downstairs. This only even happens when I'm in charge on my own. Coincidence? #bathtimetusnami #theyremakingmelookbad #ineedflooddefences #imadeadman #thewaterisnowdownstairs #Fatherofdaughters #fod #dadlife #instadad

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Jun 27, 2018 at 12:40pm PDT

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I may have a Y chromosome where women have an X but that microscopic piece of biology should be the only thing that differentiates us as we all travel on this journey through life. As a Father of 4 daughters, I don't want my girls horizons to be limited to what people tell them they can do, so I embrace my responsibility as a parent to support and encourage my girls to be what they want to be, to celebrate & further the accomplishments of those trail blazers that have gone before them like Emmeline Pankhurst, Ella Fitzgerald, Coco Channel, Marie Curie & Henrietta Swan Leavitt who, with a team of all female astronomers, catalogued the stars in the night sky when men told them they couldn't. Our children will be the ones who will break glass ceilings, forge new paths & make the discoveries that takes the human race to places we can only dream of today, so my message to my girls is to GO BIG, GO HARD & do what they said you can't do in whatever field you choose –  be the boss of your own destiny. Celebrate a strong boss woman & tag them below #IWD2018 #mygirlsarethefuture #whorunstheworldgirls #dowhatyoucant ##fatherofdaughters #dadlife #instadad photo by @philippajames

A post shared by Simon, also known as FOD (@father_of_daughters) on Mar 8, 2018 at 12:41pm PST