I don’t know about you, but I need some fresh material.
I’m talking about JOKES, people.
And we’re all in luck, because there are a ton of jokes to enjoy coming right up.
People on AskReddit were nice enough to share their favorite jokes that not many people know about.
Let’s check them out!
1. I love North Korean humor.
“Why do North Koreans draw the best straight lines ?
Because they have a supreme ruler.”
2. Elderly love.
“An elderly couple were celebrating their 50 year anniversary at the local pub. After a couple of drinks, they started reminiscing about their s*x life in the earlier stages of their marriage.
They remembered one hot and heavy session they had behind the pub, with the husband doing her against the fence. They decided to try it again, to see if they could still do it.
A policeman overheard their conversation, and decided to follow them outside as he didn’t believe an elderly couple would ever be able to pull off such a manoeuvre! Low and behold, the man had his wife up against the fence, going at it hammer and tong with loud moans and screams!
When they had finally finished, the policeman HAD to know their secret and went over to ask.
‘Well’ said the wife, ‘the last time we did that the fence wasn’t electric!'”
“A horse walked into a bar.
The bartender asked “Why the long face?” The horse said, “My alcoholism is destroying my family.””
4. He was shamed.
“What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“It’s cute, but can you really breathe through that thing?””
“Three men are walking one day when they are confronted by a genie. The genie, in his generosity, grants each man three wishes.
The first man wishes to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and a stunning model is willed into existence, madly in love with him. The second wishes for nigh infinite wealth, and he immediately gets a notification on his banking app showing a deposit several figures long. The third man wishes for his left arm to always rotate counterclockwise, and his arm begins making strokes in the air.
The first man then wishes for knowledge of all languages, and it is granted. The second man’s second wish is for a spacious, luxurious mansion, and the deed to the estate is his. The third man wishes for his right arm to always rotate clockwise, and both of his arms are now making wide circles in opposite directions.
The first man’s final wish is to return to when he was younger, and he immediately ages back to when he was in his early 20s. The second man’s final wish is for enlightenment, and the secrets of the universe are revealed to him. The third man’s final wish is for his head to always nod up and down, and his head begins making large bobbing motions.
The three men decide to reconvene years late to update each other on their wishes. The first man, with his eternal youth, seduces his beautiful wife in every language imaginable.
The second man used his wealth and spacious estate to teach others the secrets of the universe. The third man approaches the others and says “Guys I think I f*cked up.””
“A man’s car breaks down outside a monastery, the monks inside see that it’s late, so they put him up for the night. Whilst sleeping, he hears a strange noise, hard to describe.
When he wakes up, he asks a monk what the strange noise is. “I’m sorry my friend, I can’t tell you because you’re not a monk”. So he fixes his car and is on his way. Three years later he’s driving and breaks down next to that same monastery. The same happens, and he’s allowed to sleep there once more.
He hears the strange noise again, and the next morning he asks yet again. “I can’t tell you, you’re not a monk” “Alright then” he says,”How do I become a monk?” The monk tells him that he must count every blade of grass on the earth, and every grain of sand, and only once he has done that, will he be a monk. So 70 years later, the old withering man returns.
He tells the other monks his count, and is allowed to discover the source of the noise. He is taken to a door, that he opens, and behind it is another door. And another. And another. And so on. He opens doors for many hours, until finally he sees it.
He knows what the noise is. But I can’t tell you, because you’re not a monk.”
7. Lost in the desert.
“3 guys are lost in a desert, and keep traveling.
Eventually, they find an Oasis and drink from it, but what they don’t know is that the Oasis is frequented by a patrol from a nearby tribe. They’re captured and sent to the tribe.
The tribe is basically in a jungle of sorts with all sorts of fruit trees around them. The chieftain tells the travelers to pick one of a fruit of their choice for a challenge. Some time later, Traveler 1 comes back with a berry.
The chieftain then reveals that the challenge is that they must put the fruit of their choice up their bums without moving or flinching. Traveler 1 does this easily.
Traveler 2 comes back with an apple. They tell him the same thing, but Traveler 2 fails the challenge and is killed on the spot.
All of the sudden, Traveler 1 busts out laughing, and is killed on the spot.
In the after life,
Traveler 2: “Why did you bust out laughing like that?! You were so close to living!”
Traveler 1: “I saw Traveler 3 coming back with a Pineapple.””
8. Nerd alert!
“A neutron walks into a bar and gets a drink The Neutron asks how much for it?
The bartender says: For You, no charge.”
9. At the musem.
“The Museum of Natural History in New York wanted to put up a mural in honor of General Custer called “Custers last stand.” The commission finally found an artist to do and they went to work.
Huge curtains up around the exhibit were up for weeks. Management asks him “what’s taking so long?” The artist says “I’m almost done.” Weeks and weeks went by and he finally emerges out of the curtain. They set a date for the reveal and hundreds and hundreds of people show up.
They drop the curtain and the mural is as follows: There’s a fish jumping out of water with a halo over with thousands and thousands of Native American Indians having s*x over the landscape. In the bushes. The trees. Falling out of the sky. Management is furious “how could you do this to us?” They asked.
To which the artist replied “well what do you think Custers last words were?” “Holy mackerel! That’s a lot of f*ckin Indians!!!””
“Old man sitting on a park bench, little girl comes and sits at the other end.
She takes out a candy bar and gobbles it down. Pulls out another one, gone in two bites. Takes out a third, nom nom nom gone. “Gosh little girl you sure do eat a lot of candy bars.”
“Yeah, well, my grandfather lived until he was a hundred and four.” “How’d he do that, by eating candy bars?”
“No, by minding his own d*mn business.””
11. A horrible headache.
“One day, a man began experiencing a horrible headache.
He went to multiple doctors, all of whom couldn’t give him an explanation or a solution to the headache. After years of the same symptoms, the man finally found a doctor who can fix the situation.
The doctor told him, “The good news is I can fix your headaches so you’ll never have them again. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, creating one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
The man was depressed because two of the three things that made him a man will be removed. Realizing he had no other choice, he agreed to the castration.
When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 10 years. He decided he would make a new him, where he has no worries of headaches. He saw a tailor shop and thought, “A new suit is fit for a new man, a new me”.
After entering the shop, he asked the tailor for a new suit. The tailor said, “Hmm… Looking at you, you are size 44 long.” The man surprised asked, “That’s right, how did you know?” “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the suit given and it fit perfectly.
The man realizing he needed a shirt for the suit asked for one. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a 35 sleeve and 16 neck.” Again, Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?” The tailor responded again, “Been in the business for over 50 years!” The man tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.
The man decided he needed new shoes with his suit and shirt. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are 9 1/2.” The man was surprised and exclaimed, “That’s right, how did you know?” The tailor responded again “Been in the business for over 50 years!”The man tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.
The tailor said “How about some underwear?” The man was startled but realized the logic. Since he already got everything else, he said yes. The tailor looked at him and said, “Hmm… you are a size 36.”
The man laughed catching the tailor. “Ah ha! You’re wrong! I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.” The tailor shook his head, “No, you can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.””
Okay, wiseguys and wisegals, now we want to hear from you.
In the comments, tell us some of your favorite jokes.
Thanks in advance!