When it comes to family, I don’t think there are any hard and fast rules. That is, except for honoring other people’s hard and fast rules.
In general “outing” a LGBTQ person who has chosen not to “out” themselves is a huge no-no, but still, people seem to think they’re stumbling across exceptions here and there.
This woman is a sister to a trans woman who has two children with her partner. She’s close to her niece and nephew and had them over for a sleepover.
They asked who the boy was in some old family pictures and she answered that was their mom, surprised they didn’t already know.
The kids did not seem overly upset and went home as normal.
Her kids were having a sleepover. We’ve always had this picture of my family up from when we were really young, and this was the FIRST time her kids ever asked about it. She has also seen the picture and never commented on it. They asked who she was in the picture.
My sister started transitioning in high school so I don’t really think of her as “trans.” Like I know she wasn’t always a woman but old pictures of her are just pictures of her to me. And I sort of assume people know and it’s not a big dark secret.
Naturally, I responded honestly. I told them that was their mom, her daughter said she looked like a boy, and I said she was. I tried to explain that she was a boy but now she’s not and her son thought it was funny, but it made her daughter really upset. I was surprised she kept it from them.
Awhile later OP got a phone call from her brother-in-law, saying that they were very upset she had “outed” her sister to their children and that it wasn’t her place.
It didn’t come up again after that, her and her husband picked the kids up eventually and neither kid seemed upset about it. Overall it was a pretty good sleepover.
A few hours later, I have her husband on the phone asking what I said and calling me “insane.” He said my sister is “distraught.” He was saying I outed her and how cruel that was, but kids are pure. Outing means nothing to them because you can teach them empathy and understanding. There’s nothing to be afraid of, being outed to a kid.
OP doesn’t think the kids are judging anyone and can’t believe her sister wasn’t going to tell them the truth – she believes it’s the kind of big lie that would come back to roost sooner or later.
Still I did out her, which I apologized for. I eventually got her on the phone and she said she’s really upset with me but she understands I didn’t mean to cause any harm. I asked her if she was ever planning to tell her kids and she said she wasn’t sure.
I was SHOCKED at that. My sister isn’t typically a dishonest person. AT ALL. Both kids even know they’re adopted. I told her I did her kids a favour, which I believe, and then she said I’m never sorry about anything.
I think outing is horrible, but in this situation, was it justified? My husband also agrees it’s the kind of lie that would have left her children distrustful of her in the future.
What does Reddit think? I’m pretty sure we can guess, but let’s check it out anyway!
First of all yes, the kids asked the question but OP did not have to answer.
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The lack of apology really put it over the edge for some people.
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Also, she really should have called to give them a head’s up before the kids spilled the beans.
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The bottom line is that it wasn’t OP’s place, and she should apologize.
Image Credit: Reddit
It’s just a whole can of worms.
Image Credit: Reddit
You should never, ever out someone without their permission, and if it happens accidentally, you should apologize, no arguments in your defense.
If you disagree, tell us why in the comments!
