Making the decision to put a loved one in a nursing home instead of care for them ourselves is one of the toughest of our lives. We want to be able to give them the loving care they gave us over the years, but sometimes – for one reason or another – it’s just not possible.
Her grandmother spent some time living with her aunt, but after nearly causing a divorce in that home, ended up in a facility.
Then the pandemic happened and grandma ended up at home again, but the responsibility of caring for her then fell to the eldest grandchild.
My grandmother (GM) was kicked out of my aunt’s house went she caused so many marital problems my uncle threatened to divorce my aunt if she didn’t.
She lived for a few years in a nursing home before the pandemic but during the pandemic there were tons of nursing home deaths so my aunt and mom got her out.
I’m the oldest of my mother’s children so I got so much pressure to take care of my grandma during the pandemic.
At first, she didn’t have an issue. She was living rent-free in exchange for caring for her grandma, so it seemed like a fine deal.
I didn’t mind too much initially because the deal was I didn’t pay rent and lived with her to cook, clean and help her with her diabetes.
I don’t know my GM well so I thought it might be a good bonding experience and I worked remote so it would be so bad.
Things started to go sour when her grandmother objected to her dog – so much so that OP had to leave her dog with a friend for the duration because of how grandma treated him.
Well the first problem came when I told them I was bringing my dog. My GM freaked out telling me she would never let a filthy animal in her house.
It was the one dealbreaker I had and I told my aunt or mom Oliver (my dog) had to come with but they never told my GM for fear of her reaction. I put my foot down saying if he isn’t coming I’m not either and I guess my GM gave up because she didn’t want to go back to the nursing home but she made Oliver’s life a living hell.
She would scream at him every time she was him and I tried to keep them separate but she would demand I abandon him because she’s my GM.
In the end I had no choice but to leave him with my friend temporarily because she was so unbearable.
All sorts of other issues began to crop up, from verbal abuse to grandma refusing to respect OP’s work-from-home obligations.
Next was washing clothing, she demanded I wash all her clothing by hand and she had a washing machine but she would scream “you’re lazy!” at me if she catches me using it. She also wanted restaurant quality meals and throw sandwiches and cereal on the ground if she didn’t like it.
Finally she didn’t believe I worked because I work online (I’m an accountant) and she would yell at me during the middle of meeting for ignoring her when I told her I needed 30 min of peace to attend meeting. My boss told me many times to get her to stop doing that but she never listens.
Grandma’s diabetes management became a huge thorn in OP’s side. If she forced Grandma to eat right so that she would be healthy, OP was abused verbally. If she let the diet go, she ended up dressing weeping foot sores.
She has diabetes that isn’t managed well and I tried to get her on a healthy diet but she screams and yells at me when she doesn’t get what foods she wants which cause huge sugar fluctuations which causes her ulcers on her feet to get worse and weep. It was hard to get Appointments to the doctor so I had to clean them and I am not qualified.
When I persisted though the yelling and screaming her ulcers to make her eat healthy her ulcers would get much better and start healing but in the end I gave up and let her eat anything she wanted so she would shut up but it made her blood sugars worse and her ulcers worse which I had to deal with.
After two years OP had enough and moved back to the city (getting her dog back immediately, thank goodness).
So after almost 2 years of hell I got out and moved back to my original city. My GM is so mad because she expected that I stay there looking after her until she passes.
I told my mom and aunt I wasn’t doing that and they begged me to guilty me with the fact she was going to die alone at a nursing home.
I feel like a terrible person because I didn’t feel any guilt I just didn’t care after dealing with her for 2 years
The rest of the family is saying that it’s OP’s fault that Grandma is going to die alone, but does Reddit agree? Let’s find out!
The top comment points out that OP already gave up her dog and two years of her life, and she’s gotten nothing for it in return.
As sad as it is, no one but Grandma is at fault for Grandma ending up in a home.
The aunt, who knew from experience how tough Grandma was, should have stepped up to protect her niece.
It’s called generational trauma.
No one wants this to be the end result, but OP has no reason to feel guilty.
I sincerely hope I do not turn into an angry, bitter old woman like this. It’s so sad.
Do you think OP went above and beyond or she could have stuck it out for the rest of Grandma’s life? Let us know in the comments!