Relationships are complicated. More than that, relationships are personal, which means no two look or operate in exactly the same way.
What works for one couple might not even be something another couple considers, but as long as everyone is happy, that’s all that matters.
That said, there are some mistakes that seem to raise suspicions and hackles across the board, and these 15 people are sharing some of those common errors with the rest of us.
15. Stay vigilant.
“Things fall apart if you don’t look after them” – Professor Langdon in Inferno
It’s easy to get so comfortable in a relationship that you take it (or the other person) for granted.
14. There’s nothing wrong with disagreeing.
Trying too hard to avoid potential arguments to avoid conflict rather than hashing it out before the issue becomes too big to handle.
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, yup. A two-minute chat about what their plans are Friday night is sooooo much better for everyone than going “uhh sure k” then having a two-hour fight on Saturday morning.
13. Be appreciative.
Taking your partner for granted is a big one.
I will admit that I don’t think I do this with my partner, but I also do not have a very firm grip on what “taking someone for granted” looks like.
It’s always been one of those things that people can use correctly, but not type up a quick definition of. The definition always seems to be an anecdote or example of a time someone does it.
The other one I notice this with is calling someone “self righteous”.
12. Have a short memory.
An old couple once told me the secret is to not keep score. It’s so much easier to remember what the other person did wrong than what your own mistakes were, and it’ll only foster resentment.
11. Love is a verb, not a feeling.
That love is a feeling. You can “fall” in love with someone but it’s more of a choice to be deeply connected with this one person. Over time you constantly choose to love them through the good and the bad.
If you base your entire relationship off of how love is a feeling, you’re most likely going to “fall out of love” with them.
10. Don’t walk on eggshells.
The most common mistakes that couples make are not actively listening to one another, taking their partner for granted, and pushing aside problems because they don’t want to cause an argument.
9. It has to go both ways.
Not being able to communicate. You need to be able to voice when you are hurt without them taking it as an attack. You need to be able to hear your partner.
Many adults just simply don’t know how to do this and I do believe it’s a learnable skill.
Should you waste your life with a partner who has no interest in self development and learning to communicate? Probably not. Should you discuss this with your SO who has poor communication skills and create a plan to work together and improve communication? Yes!
8. Remember you’re on the same team.
When arguments do happen, there’s a danger in making the other person the enemy, too. When my wife and I did premarital counseling, they taught us to treat the problem as the enemy and fight it as a team.
Like you said, actively listening is critical, and doing so can help couples learn how to work as a team to overcome the issues they’re facing.
7. Or vice versa.
Labeling your partner the source of all your happiness and joy.
As Kiss said in their oft forgotten 80s ballad, “everybody needs a reason to live, but it can’t be your love.”
6. Things don’t go away if you ignore them.
Also talk about what’s bothering each other.
You got to work together to solve issues that come up, you can’t just ignore them. That’s how people end up leaving or cheating.
My fiance and I got off to a rocky start for this reason. Years later however, us talking about stuff that bothers us has massively improved our relationship, especially our trust. I’ve told her my insecurities and she’s relayed to me hers, and I now know for a fact she would never cheat.
Now I know when she checks someone out, male or female, she knows she can look, but can’t touch. Same goes for me, and we both agree or very casually debate when we see someone attractive.
5. It’s never worth it.
Lie. Don’t do it. The uncomfortable situation you avoid now is far better then what’s down the line.
4. Don’t let things fester.
Not speaking up the first, second, or third time your partner does something that bothers or harms you or makes you uncomfortable, etc.
The longer you wait before saying something, the more ingrained it will become for them and the more likely you will fly off the handle over it later
3. It’s not as simple as it seems.
You need attraction.
You need trust.
Communicate. communicate. communicate.
The other person is flawed, just like you. Accept that.
Be a decent human, don’t lie and cheat.
There, done. Enjoy.
2. Say you’re sorry.
Know when to apologize and shut up.
Sometimes it really is your fault, so accept it, own it and move on.
Dwelling on a point, arguing or over explaining does no one any good.
In the same line, if your partner messes up, accept the apology and LET IT GO.
1. Be open-minded.
I think having deal breakers in relationships is obviously good to set your standards, but I know so many people who have the most petty and dumb deal breakers that just result in them never willing to compromise or be satisfied.
It’s 100% okay to not have the same hobbies or be the exact same person. Variety is the spice of life
I mean, if there’s something simple you can tweak to make things easier, why not?
What other mistakes would you put on this list? Tell us down in the comments!