16 People Share the Absolute Best Quotes from the Absolute Worst Dates Ever

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Ever had a horrible date?

We’ve all been there.

And every really bad date has some equally memorable quotes worth sharing.

These 15 are no exception:


“My mother had three miscarriages before I was born. I call them the lucky ones.”


I once got told I was “the correct type of brown.”


“Oh my god, you have tits!”

Blind date miscommunication.

Someone thought she was gay. She thought I was going to be a guy.

We still had beer and pizza, so its all good in my book.


Vegetarian girl: “Wait, pepperoni’s not a vegetable…? Ohhhh…”


Not a quote from the date itself, mostly because she said next to nothing for the entire date, spending most of her time on her fucking phone.

An hour after I got up and walked right out the door:

“hey wherd u go, r u comin bak?”


By that time I was already home, balls-deep in some fine pornography.


“Well, actually, I have a boyfriend, who’s a state cop.”

And, you’re on a date with someone else why, exactly?

There was no second date.

And then, three months later, a text from her:

“My friend stole a UPS truck last night and I don’t know what to do.”

Fortunately, I did know exactly what to do: block and delete.


While I’m driving on the highway:

“So what does this do?”

…Pulls handbrake…


“If it’s all right with you, can we go to your house? My husband doesn’t leave for work for another hour.”

This was our third date.

I had no clue.


What do you want to do tonight?”

“Um, you asked me out for dinner, sooo…probably eat.”

“I already ate.”


“Why are you being polite to him? He’s a cab driver.”


“What so you mean you don’t believe in dinosaurs?!”

“There’s no way for us to know they existed it was so long ago.”

“What about the fossils?”

“Satan placed those on Earth years ago to shake our faith…”


“So, I just realized this is our second date… not our first.”

We both realized, about an hour into the date, that we had been on a blind date three years earlier, and neither of us had a very good time.

The second date was just as forgettable as the first, minus that realization.


“That’s just how cockatoos show affection. He barely broke the skin.”


“Whatever happens, you’ve got to promise you won’t have sex with me, even if I beg you.”


“My great-grandfather’s name is Mario, my grandfather’s name is Mario, my dad’s Mario, I’m Mario, and if you don’t mind, I’ll be naming our child Mario.”

First date…


“You’re definitely Chinese…

How are you not Chinese?!”

I’m 100% Irish, and no matter how many times I stressed this, he would not give up.


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