There are all kinds of brands out there that we encounter on basically a daily basis, and even though there might be plenty about them that we don’t love, the truth is that we’re never going to stop buying, eating, or using them.
They’re kind of like old friends, honestly, which means we’re allowed to give them a good-natured ribbing – like these 20 people coming up with “honest slogans” that put the truth back in advertising.
20. Handle with care.
FedEx : our drivers take out their anger on your items.
It ain’t just the drivers. I used to deliver for Parcel Farce and the guys emptying out the 40’ trailers were insane; parcels would arc thru the air as they got lobbed into the right cage- one morning I saw a 42” Sony flatscreen lazily pirouette 12’ thru the air, coming to a crashing halt… into the cage for my route.
Went and told my supervisor and was told to, “give it a good shake on the van so that all the glass settles to the bottom of the box so it doesn’t make a tinkling noise- that way the customer won’t know until they’ve signed for it”
Yeah, no. Told the customer that I believed it damaged in transit (gave it a shake for them) and walked them thru the refusal process.
19. You hope, anyway.
Apple IPad: distracting your toddler made easy.
And it’s cheaper than a nanny… sort of.
18. No, it’s not.
Pepsi: “Is Pepsi OK?”
Nobody cares about how Coca Cola is doing, they just ask “Is Pepsi OK?”
17. You can’t come up with a bigger bonus.
Zoom; pants optional.
16. You pay a little more…
Target: The upperclass Walmart
It’s where you pay a little more to avoid going to Walmart.
15. Some day in the future.
Steam: remember that over 70% of your games are unplayed.
Even though I suck I can’t stop playing. I was warned. Must. Own. That. Game. It’s. On. Sale. I’ll. Want. To. Play. It. One. Day.
14. Ain’t that the truth.
gucci: being expensive is literally our entire marketing strategy
That could apply to other luxury brands really. Oh, look a supreme brick that costs more than a hindred bucks.
13. You won’t be happy in the morning.
Alcohol: Have fun tonight, at tomorrow’s expense.
Alcohol: borrow happiness from tomorrow
12. A stoner meal.
Taco Bell. You’re stoned, we’re stoned, so let’s eat.
Taco Bell’s late night drive through window – “Because it’s never too late to make one more bad decision”
Pretty sure I heard a comic say this one
11. Because we sell it.
Facebook: your privacy is our business.
“you’re worth less than the data you produce”
Facebook: You are the product, not the customer
10. No, you don’t have to tell them!
EA: Go get your parents credit card
EA: where your £40 outlay buys you the opportunity to buy the rest of the game.
9. Hand over the cash.
EA: unlock this slogan for 500 gems.
gems are sold in packets of 79 for $22 each
You can also grind 2 hours to have a 45% chance to get 4 gems.*
*Capped at 3 tries a day.
8. You can make this at home.
subway: eat frozen, prepackaged or chemically preserved
7. Original content lol.
BuzzFeed: because you’re too lazy to go on Reddit, and we’re too lazy to write original content.
“Check out this list of top 7 Reddit comments slamming Buzzfeed! Number 4 will shock you!”
6. It even rhymes.
Hewlett-Packard: “Fuck your scan, you’re out of Cyan.”
5. Who doesn’t?
Red bull – I hope you like heart palpitations
Your heart can’t flutter without wings. Probably.
4. How did they miss that?!
Viagra; the quicker dicker upper
3. Makes you feel better, right?
And you thought you were weird. – Reddit
2. Who doesn’t love dry skin?
Dove bar soap: because you’d never buy soap called pigeon
Geez, thanks folks. That line has been inside my head so long it’s in black and white, no clue where it came from.
1. Preying on desperation.
Tinder: Pay extra to stop us from cockblocking you.
This is most dating apps now. Even Bumble and OkCupid. I gave up on all that. I remember when they were all free now they prey on desperation.
These are as funny as they are true, I swear. I couldn’t come up with anything better.
If you think you’ve got an honest slogan that belongs on this list, share it with us in the comments!