13. Community service
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door. Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The politician was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut. And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
14. Inside the walls
“The difference between a caucus and a cactus is that with the cactus the pricks are on the outside.” – Mo Udall
15. Yours vs. mine
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Las Vegas the drunks gamble with their money whereas in Washington the drunks gamble with our money.
16. Before AND after
Good old Soviet jokes:
Q: What is the difference between the Constitutions of the USA and the USSR? Both of them guarantee freedom of speech.
A: Yes, but the Constitution of the USA also guarantees freedom after the speech.
Vivien Cai
17. Too accurate
Politics, n: Poly “many” + tics “blood-sucking parasites”. Larry Hardiman.
18. Wow
While walking down the street one day, a Political head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
”Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. ”Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
”No problem, just let me in.” says the Politician.
”Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
”Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” says the Politician.
”I’m sorry but we have our rules.” And with that, St. Peter escorts the Politician to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Politician, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
”Now it’s time to visit Heaven.” So 24 hours pass with the Politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
”Well then, you’ve spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers:
”Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Politician and lays an arm on his neck.
”I don’t understand,” stammers the Politician. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, ”Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!”
Mohit Arora
19. I think that’s how it works?
If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?
20. Deathbed
On his deathbed, a lifelong Republican supporter suddenly announced that he was switching to the Democrats. I cant believe youre doing this. said his friend. For your entire life youre been a staunch Republican. Why would you want to become a Democrat now? Because Id rather it was one of them that dies than one of us.
21. Repetitive
Suppose you are an idiot. And suppose you are a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. – Mark Twain
h/t: Knowable
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