If you ask me, the best AITA (Am I the A$$hole) posts out there are the ones that take twists and turns – you think you’re going to be on one person’s side but as things go on you continue to flip-flop back and forth.
This is one of those for me, and even though I started out thinking the woman was kind of being ridiculous (maybe to prove a point), by the end she had won me over to her side.
She and her boyfriend have two different types of careers – hers where she works from home and rarely (if ever) needs to interact with or impress people to earn her keep.
He’s an investment banker, which requires a certain image and upkeep.
I’m a woman in a career field which really doesn’t care about appearances.
My boyfriend is in a job where looks matter more, investment banking. He wears suits and has to present himself as more wealthy to look good at work.
He’s asked her to be his date at certain events and to dress and look the part – something he considers a professional expense – and said that nothing she currently owned would be good enough.
My boyfriend wanted me to come to some work events, dinners or happy hours.
But he said that it was something we’d need to dress up for. I offered to wear some nice dresses I have and he said that it was more than that, his coworkers wives and girlfriends wore designer and had professionally done hair and nails.
And that it really was just what was needed to succeed in his workplace so he considered it a professional expense.
- The hair and makeup and nails and tailoring appointments took about 10 hours. I had to take a full day off work, and since I am a consultant who bills hourly I was losing a day’s wages to perform tasks my boyfriend wanted to benefit his career. If I ever asked my boyfriend to lose wages at his job to perform tasks for my job, I’d think it would be fair to pay him for his work too.
- I’m always happy to attend social events and be polite, friendly, and talk to people and get to know them. For free. But this wasn’t what he was asking of me, he wanted me to act. To not speak of my actual hobbies or career and to give the impression that I am a stay at home partner. To claim to ski… I have no idea how to ski! To only order “classy” drinks and none of the drinks I actually drink. That doesn’t strike me as going to an event as a partner, that strikes me as going to an event as an actress or performer. Which is a whole job!
She told him that was fine, but it wasn’t her professional expense and also it would cost her time away from her job.
He agreed to not only pay for her wardrobe, hair, and makeup but also to compensate her for the time spent playing the role he wanted.
I said that made sense for himself but I’m not responsible for his professional expenses
He agreed to pay for the clothes and salon appointments and I also asked him to compensate me for my time getting “presentable” for those events. Additionally, if he wanted me to act a certain way during these events which was different than my usual behavior at a social event, it should be treated like work, I’d expect to be paid for my time.
He thought that was unfair, saying that it was weird to charge my boyfriend to attend an event with him. I said that if I’m not attending as myself, but instead presenting an image for business development purposes, that’s not socializing, that’s labor.
In the end they agreed, and even though he initially balked at the $2000 tab, he eventually went along with it and they attended the event in question.
Everything went fine.
He agreed to that at the end, and we came up with a list of things I’d need to attend an event with him… Designer dress, designer heels, jewelry, hair done, nails done, makeup done, handbag… He picked out the dress heels and bag, and he asked me to find salons to have my hair, nails, and makeup done.
When I told him how much the cosmetics appointments and the time I spent on them cost he was upset it was $700. And adding that to the clothes he bought and the time we’d be at the event, it was coming to almost $2000.
We went and I played the part, it was uneventful. Nobody paid me much attention. Felt like a bit of a waste but whatevs.
When she asked for him to pay for her to have the nails removed for work, they got into an argument in which he accused her of using him for his money, then telling her that “most women” would know how to do all of those things for themselves.
But afterwards when I mentioned that I wanted to borrow his card to make an appointment to get the nails removed, since I needed them filed down by a professional before work, he got frustrated with me. Saying that I was milking him for money and I was only with him for money. I told him that I make the same as he does.
He got pissed and said that most girls know how to dress themselves and do their own makeup nice, and I got so frustrated I said sarcastically “go date most girls then, I’m sure ‘most girls’ would looove being treated like a human dressup doll!”
She told him to go date “most girls” then, and well, you get the idea.
He got really mad about that and I feel frustrated too, like he expects me to do shit unpaid for his work! Like I would never ask him to do shit for my job, let alone do my job unpaid!
AITA for wanting to be paid if my labor was going towards my boyfriends career?
Was she wrong to expect to be compensated for time she could have spent doing other things (including making money)?
Reddit is weighing in below!
Mostly, they seem to think OP and her boyfriend are just a bit incompatible.
There are definitely people out there who would jump at the chance.
But he also expects her to act like another person entirely, which begs the question…does he even like her?
It’s really not fair to ask someone to not be themselves for the foreseeable future.
Honestly, he may just not have thought the whole thing through.
I agree with most of the posts, which suggest the two of them just might not be a good match.
Would you have thought to request everything she did? Would you be ok with it? Tell us in the comments!